It was early morning and I was visiting my good friend Gustavo Tucker. We have known each other for many years, he is a fine fellow despite having a face like a punched testicle.
We stood in his spectacularly large gardens smoking our pipes and watching a couple of hired peasants wade into the ornamental pond. They were making quite the racket, splashing and flailing about. I shook my head.
Are you quite sure about this old fellow? I know you loved your bloody big goldfish.
Gustavo trembled slightly and dabbed a handkerchief to his eye.
I am afraid so old bean. I simply must be rid of this scandal. Bloody Smartphones. Why in heavens name do they allow poor people to have phones, let alone phones with cameras in them?
I wouldn't have one myself. It's not gentlemanly. I am afraid though that the world does not stop turning even for us men of fine breeding.
I puffed on my pipe contentedly, proud of my philosophising at such an early hour.
Gustavo let out a noise which sounded to be a cross between an anguished sob and a screech gesturing wildly at one of the hired hands who was wrestling a large Koi Carp into a wet tarpaulin.
Oh god, that's Karla, be gentle with her!
I rested a hand on his arm, the bugger might be a good friend but at this moment in time he was being a bit of a Badger's arse.
Come on old fellow. Let's get you inside and get a brandy or six down you.
I led him off to the house.
Once inside I fixed him up with some Brandy. We sat there, drinking and puffing on our pipes till he had calmed down.
I had read the sordid story in the papers of course. Gustavo's butler had managed to take a series of photos of him having improper relations with his Koi Carp. There were two of them in the photos, Elizabeth and Karla. Elizabeth seemed to be the hungrier one of the two from what I had seen.
The whole sorry affair had been quite the high society scandal. The headlines had screamed - Gustavo Tucker - Fish Fxcker!
I mean a gentleman by his very nature is allowed a certain leeway in his night-time danderings but to fuck a big goldfish and to be photographed doing so. Well, it had not been easy for poor Gustavo.
In an attempt to help him move on from the scandal I had advised him that I would take the Carp off his hands. Thus removing the temptation to indulge in his fishy frolics.
Promise me Boomy, Promise, you will find them a good home, I love them you know.
At this I made a face and shifted in my chair as if I had farted and an oyster had fallen out.
Take no offense from this Gustavo but I am at a loss as to how you found yourself in this situation. I mean, well, aren't there ladies of the night that could have given you similar fishy-flapped satisfaction?
Gustavo looked sad, like a cocker spaniel that has bent to give his balls a lick only to find that the vet has whipped them off.
I used to sit by the pond and feed them of an evening... One night Elizabeth was just looking at me and you know...
He lifted his head up in defiance.
One thing led to another...
I shook my head again.
Luckily I am here to help, my friend. Speaking of which. I had best be making tracks. Have to get those Carp to their new home eh! Don't worry, this will blow over soon enough.
I saw him about to speak again and raised a hand.
Don't worry old fellow. I promised didn't I? I have found them a good home.
---------------------------
It was much later that I and my assistant Morris arrived at the quiet banks of the river. I got out the cabin of the truck and nodded at Morris to unload the truck.
He hefted the large wet tarpaulin from the back and dropped it at my feet. It wiggled from side to side. I reached down and pulled it open.
Gustavo's former butler lay within, tied, gagged and quite naked. His eyes bulged when he saw what Morris now held in his hands.
You thought you could sell pictures of a gentleman's folly and get away Scot-free you floppy penis of a man? That's just not on dear fellow.
I motioned to the two pound trout Morris held in his large ape hands.
Right Morris, you know the drill. Stick the trout up his back bin then throw him in the river.
Afterward we arrived back at the house. I stepped from the truck and motioned to Morris to take the other tarps containing Elizabeth and Karla indoors. My belly rumbled.
I shouted out to my new cook, Liselle.
Liselle, bang the oven on, we're having fish for tea tonight.
I paused.
Oh, and you better give them a bloody good rinse first.
My smartphone rang, I looked at the display. It was Gustavo, no doubt calling to check on how his darling fish were. I rejected the call with a swipe, after all...
