I was enjoying a cup of Earl Grey in my study when my maid Liselle entered the room and attempted what could be called a curtsey before speaking in her rustic french tones.
Milord, your gentleman friend Jude has come a calling. Shall I let him in?
I fixed her with an acid eye. Her attempt at a curtsey reminding me of a Giraffe having a seizure.
Yes yes, let him in.
She did that strange pirouette she called a curtsey again and left to fetch him. I wondered what bought Jude here. I had not expected to see him till later in the week at the club. I had known Jude for years. He was a fine figure of a man despite having a face like a punched penis.
He bounded into the room, his walrus moustache twitching up and down with excitement.
Boomy! Quick, you absolutely must come!
I gave him a raised eyebrow or three.
I say that's not usually something I hear from another fellow?
Oh! Haha, very droll! No, I mean you must come with me. Hang on. No. I mean, Come down to the harbour!
The harbour old fellow? But I'm not drunk, and it's not night-time?
Jude's eyes shone with excitement as he bounded closer.
I'm not talking about procuring some ladies who like some southern jazz, old fellow. I have been told that a giant sea monster has been washed up on the beach! We simply must go and witness this.
I sat upright and put down my tea.
A sea monster you say? A giant sea monster? By golly, this is incredible. Do we have time for a pipe?
Jude pulled out his little ivory number. I pulled out my larger more ornate ebony piece.
Always time for a quick suck of the pipe!
We both chuckled.
We picked our way along the beach, there was a small crowd gathered near a giant hump of something. As we elbowed our way through to the front, I offered Jude a snifter from my hip flask to ward off the cold.
What the devil fuck is that?
I remarked, tamping some baccy into my pipe.
If I am not mistaken, it's a ruddy great whale?
Jude responded passing me back my flask.
A whale? No, that's Miss Rutherford that sells scones from that grubby little box on Whitton Lane
I guffawed at my own fine jokery.
Are you sure? That looks more like a Sea Monster to me!!
Jude chortled, bending forward and slapping Miss Rutherford's ample behind.
There was a great snort of indignation from the offending Miss Rutherford and she slowly rotated her great mass and scowled at us.
I smiled back.
Ma'am.
I winked.
Her face purpled and wobbled like arse jelly.
How dare you two so-called gentleman speak to me thus! Why, if my husband were here, he would give you a bloody good hiding!
I drew myself up straight and pointed at her with my pipe.
Madam, your husband is a prick and were he here I would have leathered him with my belt for having a face like the shoe I once shat in.
Miss Rutherford made a strangled noise as if the cow she ate for breakfast was frantically trying to gallop out of her stomach.
I turned my attention back to the real sea monster lying before us.
So Jude, A whale you reckon?
It did look very much like a whale except it was a strange mottled grey and a bit collapsed looking. I wandered around with Jude to the front to look at its head. Ah yes. It was indeed recognisable as a whale now. I stopped in front of one of it's gigantic dark eyes.
It seemed to focus on me. I sensed a deep connection and intelligence behind its gaze. We knew each other, he and I. Gargantuans of our respective oceans. The other inhabitants of the depths in which we dwelt mere fish beside our titanic majesty.
I stepped back.
Jude, fetch me several cases of dynamite.
What's that Boomy? You can't be...
Ha, no. I am fooling with you. Run to the harbourmaster and fetch some chains and tarpaulins and get him to bring a tug as close to land as possible. Make it quick. And someone get buckets. Lots of them. This creature needs water!
At my gentlemanly bark the clustered peasants ran to do my bidding, Jude ran with them. For a moment, I was alone with the majestic whale.
Something jabbed me hard in the back. I turned. Ah, I was not alone. It was Miss Rutherford. She had poked me with a stout umbrella.
You think you can just insult me, you bastard man?
She hissed like a snake that has just eaten a sheep.
My husband is on his way right now and he is bringing several of his friends. See how big a man you are when they get here! They will wipe the bloody floor with you.
I cast a glance up and down the beach before turning back to Miss Rutherford with a predatory smile.
Jude came running along the beach with the bucket carrying peasants. When he saw the scene before him he picked up the pace, calling frantically.
Boomy, BOOMY! What on earth has happened? Are you alright?
I waved weakly from where I lay in the sand. Jude and several peasants helped me up.
I'm ok. I am alright. I am sorry. I couldn't save her. The thing, it just came to life. I went at it with my cane but it flung me back.
I groaned and clutched at my ribs.
One of the peasants ran forth. It was Mr Rutherford.
Oh my god, no!! Not my sweet Fannie! Oh no, help... HELP!
He ran over to the carcass of the Whale. The unfortunate Miss Rutherford stuck out from its mouth from the chest up, her body a mess of deep gouges and bloody rips. She was quite dead, as was the Whale which had a solid two-thirds of my cane embedded in its eye.
I staggered over and pulled my cane out from its eye like Arthur pulling out Excalibur. It had gobbets of brain and other flesh stuck to it.
Mr Rutherford screamed in anguish at the sky as he cradled the once Miss Rutherford's head in his lap.
Nooooooooooooo!!!! My sweet Fannie!! No, oh no! How could this have happened?!
I staggered over to him. Jude holding on to my elbow for support.
I am so sorry old fellow. Everyone left to get buckets and tools to save this damned creature and it was just myself and your good lady. We were idly chatting when the behemoth suddenly jerked into life and whipped its awful head round and started savaging your good wife like a rag doll.
I bowed my head. The peasants had gathered round in awed silence as I told the tale.
Being a gentleman, I could not back down from such a monster. I knew I had to save your lady wife or die trying. I fought it with my cane whilst it gnawed and tore at your darling wife thing. It smashed it's tail fin into me and broke a couple of ribs before I finally buried my cane into its eye and right on through into its brain. It gave a mighty roar and then fell silent.
I shook slightly and raised my head toward Mr Rutherford.
I am so sorry old fellow. I thought I had saved her but alas... I was not quick enough.
Mr Rutherford laid his wife's head gently in the sand and stood to face me. He put a hand on my shoulder.
Milord, you did all that you could! To go toe to toe with a sea monster from the deep? You are a bloody hero. I only wish my Fannie could be here to thank you herself!
He raised my arm making me wince and faced the crowd of peasants.
THIS MAN... IS A HERO!!
The peasants roared and threw their hats in the air. Jude roared too, tears in his eyes.
I gave a half bow as best as I could manage.
Mr Rutherford. I must rest, perhaps have a medicinal brandy. But worry not. Tonight I will send you round a fine boiled ham. Damn it all. I will send two in honour of your lady.
Mr Rutherford wept openly now.
You are too kind milord. Far too kind. A true hero!!
As Julian helped me off the beach the peasants roared.
UNC-LE BOOM...UNC-LE BOOM...UNC-LE BOOM!!!
Take me home Jude.
I whispered weakly.
Oh god Boomy, I can't even begin to imagine having to face down a beast that size. Was it truly awful?
Well you know Jude old fellow...
