My good friend and fellow gentleman Humphrey Badgerbast called me today. He is a splendid fellow, despite having a face like a Spaniel's quim.
He was in quite the dither.
Boomy old chap, I need to call in a favour. It's a fucking old biggy so I don't mind if you turn me down flat old chap, like a pretty maid in a foreign hotel.
I looked up from my journal where I had been penning my latest entry.
A favour old fellow? Well, let's have some brandy and discuss it. After all, us gentlemen need to look out for each other!
Oh I know Boomy but I fear this one is beyond the bloody pail. I mean, if I were you I would get that bloody cane out and start thrashing at my buttocks right now. Thrashing them hard!
I raised an eyebrow at Humphrey and poured a couple of brandies to calm him somewhat.
He downed the first couple quickly, as did I, to smooth the way for the favour. Once he was calmer, I filled up my pipe and offered him some of my baccy.
Now old fellow, what is this dastardly favour that you fear I will be getting the cane out for?
I contentedly chortled out a big puff of smoke.
Humphrey chewed his own pipe a little.
Well, it's like this Boomy. You know my son, "Little Humps?"
I nodded. We all knew Little Humps, he was fucking massive.
Yes indeed, Little Humps. Still chasing the maids with his tommy knocker?
Humphrey puffed up a little with pride.
Chasing them? That's one way to put it! Anyway old chap. It's like this. He has to bring someone to school tomorrow. A respectable chap, you know the kind of thing, someone to inspire. Do a little talk and I thought. Bloody Boomy, he's perfect for this!
I wrinkled my lips slightly as if kissing a baboon's pineapple ring.
Hmm, well. If it were anyone else I would say no but as it is you Humphrey... Why the hell not!
And so I found myself staring out at a gaggle of ten-year-olds. Little Humps caught my eye and shot me a big grin. I winked at the porky little bastard.
The teacher, Mr Myres stepped up to address the class.
I looked at him disapprovingly as he introduced me. I had mistaken him at first to be one of the children. Bloody youngster, I had eaten cheeses older than him.
Without further ado, let me introduce, Uncle Boom, Captain of Industry, Trader and Gentleman!
He smiled at me, as if I had just spagged a dollop of gentleman's tartare down his front.
I pulled a chair over and placed a foot on it.
So, children...
I looked around them all.
Have you ever stood at the helm of a ship, bloodied sword in one hand and the severed cock of the pirate king in the other?
Good grief man... You can't swear in front of the children!!!!
Interrupted the baby faced Mr Myers.
I rolled my eyes.
Fine fine... Well, in that case, let me begin again.
I pulled my hip flask out to moisten my throat.
Mr Boom! You can't drink alcohol in front of the children either!??
I swerved an eye full of impatient bile at this impertinent Mr Myers. He held my stare, the way a dog would if you were tugging at its foreskin.
Alright alright.
Impatiently, I pulled out my pipe, swiftly lighting it and having a good puff.
Mr Myers leapt forward and struck my pipe from my hand.
For god's sake man, smoking!? In front of the... Aaarrk!
My cane had lashed out and whacked him on the side of the head.
What the bloody fuck!!
I roared.
You lay hands on a Gentleman!?!
I set about giving him a resounding thrashing with my cane.
Some time later the headmaster knocked on the classroom door and entered. His eyes almost fell out of his head as he surveyed the carnage before him.
Mr Myers lay bloodied and still on the floor. The children were taking it in turns to jump up and down on his corpse.
I sat at the now deceased Mr Myers desk observing the goings on whilst puffing at my pipe with a satisfied smile.
Good lord!? What the bloody hell happened here?
The headmaster bellowed.
Little Humps looked up from a particularly squelchy landing on Mr Myers.
Sorry sir, can't say!!!
He giggled.
Why on earth not!?
Yelled the headmaster incredulously.
Little Humps looked over conspiratorially at me, I nodded paternally.
Well sir...
Little Humps beamed.
