It's free if you want it, dude?
My mate Nedpool said to me on the phone during an impromptu call.
As with all impromptu calls, I had figuratively shit the bed at talking to someone for real rather than through the medium of a keyboard but fortunately that passed quickly.
Nedpool had called me to ask if I was still on holiday from work and when I replied that I was had offered the use of his caravan up at the side of some loch or other.
Well, you want it?
Nedpool asked as casually as a Frenchman's moustache.
Aye, fuck it. Go on then.
This will make me champion of the world to the family, I thought.
After some key dropping shenanigans I told The Booms that we were heading up to a caravan for a few days near some random loch. They were super excited.
Can we swim in the loch?
Asked the Little Lady with breathless anticipation.
If you don't mind swimming in hypothermicly cold fish shit and algae, sure. That will be fine. I could have said but I didn't want to burst her bubble.
Yeah, of course!
Can we take a boat out on the loch?
Asked the Little Boom his eyes gleaming with the thought of us doing something Octonaut'y on the high seas.
Oh aye, dude.
It was settled. The next day we saddled up the old steed and set off to my mate's mysterious caravan on the loch...
I followed the satnav to our destination. For once it decided not to fuck with my head and just took me where I wanted to go instead of where it thought would be hilarious to send me.
I turned the car into the site of the caravan and pulled up in horror.
What the actual fuck? That's not a caravan? That's a trailer? I looked around at the other 'caravans' - they were all the same, trailers...
This whole place was a trailer park!?
Shit? What did that make me? What did that make us? Would we have to wear halter neck tops and sit on dungaree clad men's laps?
What even is a halter neck top?
Would I have to change my name to Sandra and get pregnant? Oh Christ, that would be awful. I don't even like my own jizzum let alone anyone else's!?
Would I have to set up a still and start making Hooch? I like hooch even less than I liked jizzum.
I sighed, oh well. Let us see what the week brings.
We piled out of the car and the kids ran around screaming for a while. It might have been excitement or horror, I wasn't sure.
I spotted a little shop nearby the trailer. No doubt it sold halter necked tops.
Back in a mo, going to check out the shop.
I called to the family who were buzzing around the trailer looking for a spot to set up the still.
Inside the shop was a horde of tourist tat and overpriced foodstuffs. I spied a fridge at the back. Maybe they would have some quality beers?
They didn't. Instead something horrid lurked there taunting me.
Oh well, at least if I was to become a halter neck top wearing, hooch drinking trailer park dawg I would have some grey sloppy porridge to keep me fueled up for the journey.
No, not jizzum. I told you I hate that stuff. The next best thing...
