What happens if I don't know the answer to this question? I find that I consistently get bored with what I'm doing. The thought of defining myself to one life path is terrifying. Every day I find that I have new wants and desires. I can honestly be someone today that is completely different than tomorrow. Does that mean that I am less valuable in the eyes of society?
Something in this society says that we have to know who we are and accomplish a goal. The first step is deciding who we are. I have no fucking idea who I am. And I don't want to put myself in that box--it feels so limiting. Our roles in life change from moment to moment. I am a mother one moment and a friend in another moment. I am an addict in some moments, and I am reborn and sober in others. I am a yogi in some moments, and others the thought of yoga makes me want to puke.
I know, that right in this moment, I don't want to do anything. What then? Am I up for some certain failure or demise? Will I die unhappy because I didn't accomplish this astonishing task to make me a special person? There is one part of me that says, "Yes! You are worthless for thinking this way! What if you are on your death bed and realize you have accomplished nothing?" Another part of me says, "No way! You don't have to be anything! It is the present moment that counts and planning your life or who you are going to be is a complete and utter waste of time."
Which side wins? Again, it depends on the moment and my current state of feeling. While I can't describe why I feel so motivated in some moments and unmotivated in others, I do often wonder what the point of it all is. Do I work really hard to beautify my house or build my business? But why would I do that? It is all just fleeting anyway. Nothing is permanent and no matter what, we all die and we leave it all behind. What is the point of all of this busy-ness?
What if money wasn't an issue and I had access to an unlimited source? Well, then I would spend it! And want more! Trying to buy something that is also fleeting does not buy fulfillment or happiness, either. And I would end up right back to answering the same questions and trying to define myself by my money. Since money buys "success" then I could be anyone I want, right? Well, just for the sake of trying, let's say I would decide to be a world-wide traveler. This sounds fine and dandy, but what about my kids and family at home? What about my yearning to be a home-body on other days? What about my deep desire to be grounded and rooted? Ok, so definitely not a world traveler...
I would be an author! What defines a true "author??" Someone who writes something, right? Ok, well then that's not good enough for me. I would need to make money writing if I am to be a "true" author. That's what makes success, right? Otherwise, I have no business calling myself an author anyway.
What if I own more yoga studios than just the one that I currently have and become a Yoga Studio Franchise Owner? After all, I have defined myself as a business owner thus far. So, I have my one studio, but what kind of business owner only opens one yoga studio? So, I opened another studio with a spa. That closed after one year. What a FAILURE I am now, because I defined who I was by the success of my business. Now, I'd better redeem myself! I'd better own 10 more studios because, if I don't, I'm not following who I said I would be! But...owning yoga studios have proven to be extremely draining. So, now what do I do?
Maybe it's time to stop searching and seeking for who we are and just enjoy the continuous eb and flow of our existence. Who says we need to define ourselves? This just creates attachments to the idea of who we are supposed to be and then a feeling of failure when we don't live up to the definition w've created for myself because we change our minds. I think it is time that we all take the words success and failure out of our vocabulary. After all, it is all defined by perceptions and judgments, anyway.