Those of you that followed me from the beginning might know I high-ly enjoyed cannabis and rum on a regular basis. I never saw these things as an issue or something causing conflict in my life. Just my everyday vices that I used to, well, feel better. It turns out in order to feel better in the long run and not just in short bursts, I had to make some lasting changes.
So far, I've been a little over two months sober. No cannabis, no alcohol, not even anxiety meds or depression meds. The only thing I take is melatonin as needed for the restless nights. What prompted this shift? I feel like it was an equation that could only be solved by the common denominator, me. Instead of going right back into a sort of feeling sorry for myself mindset I would rather walk you through what I did that affected this outcome of self re-discovery beyond these outer substances that did little to solve the deep rooted issues that still effect me. Not quite where I wanna be, but, I'm more aware of what does and does not serve me. It's okay to be a work in progress.
So, what had happened was.... Let's just say, diving into then avoiding the darkness that exists within by deploying disassociating tactics, amplified by outer substances, is a dangerous game. I couldn't keep putting these bandaids on these festering wounds. I numbed my anxiety and depression symptoms while trying to block out the reasons why in hopes that tides would just magically turn in that golden era called "the future." Well, I almost didn't have a future.
It turns out if I treat my anxiety and depression with weed and rum, it still exists subconsciously. I just took away the ability to feel these things for the moment. What happens is I feel these things, decide I don't want to feel these things, then use substances so I don't feel the feels. Boom, all better right? False. Once you come out of the many highs, the lows get even lower... The anxiety gets even stronger. The problem still exists because you haven't gotten rid of the problem, just eased the symptoms of the problems for a blip in time.
I guess it's true what I hear about there being no short cuts. You want something, you do the work. The constant, instant gratification warped my reality. Practice makes permanent. If I want to truly be authentic to myself, I have to first find out who the fuck I am beyond the shit that happened to me, my mental illnesses, my vices and every environmental factor including past perception which can layer itself onto the present creating problems where there may be none or overlooking problems for the sake of holding on to the false reality. The struggle is real.
What I've been doing during this sobriety has varied from water fasting, working on my diet and fitness, breathing exercises, and being a better parent to my kiddos through being a better version of me. In other words, choosing wellbeing practices regardless of my environment or even regardless of how I feel like in the moment.
One thing I'd like to highlight from the above activities I've done is the breathing practices. I recommend this as a kind of first step into wellness and recovery vie mindfulness. Allow yourself moments to just breathe deeply. It doesn't have to be during times of rest either.
What I do is go to the gym, hop on a machine that tracks my heart rate, and start moving. I usually pick the elliptical because it's better for my joints. When I first started I'd have my music blasting through my headphones and I'd just be grinding away. I noticed my heart rate going into the 190's and even 200. This can kill you btw... My brother informed me of the harm this can do and I made the necessary adjustments. I started listening to guided breathing meditation while on the machine and would monitor my heart rate throughout the excercise. Now I'm able to regulate my heart rate which in turn regulates my mood which is essential in times of stress.
I've learned so far that what you choose to consume and choose to do to occupy your time can really effect your mood. I'm always checking in with myself now. Instead of curing hunger pains with food, I've been upping my water intake. If I feel hungry sometimes I'm really just thirsty. I'll dive into my diet and exercise in another post so I can let you know how that benefits my well-being.
So, before giving in to those negative headspaces and thoughts of "life sucks," do everything within your power to make sure it's not just "user error." Maybe life sucks because you haven't been drinking enough water, or breathing deep enough, or talking about that shit that's plaguing your mind because it's just inconvenience to even think about. Trust me, you have time. Solve the problems, not just the symptoms. The benefits last longer than the instant gratification. You are your only hope.
With that being said, this doesn't mean you are alone in this battle, buddy. You'll meet people along the way with genuine hearts and every intention of being there for you. The question is, do you really want to continue cycles and take them through that after you reached out? Once you're aware of toxic cycles you're in, likely answer is no. You see, another reason I chose to make huge life changes is because I could see myself, reaching out to my loved ones. I could imagine what it must feel like hearing my story and asked myself, do I really want to keep perpetuating my pain and bearing it unto others after already doing so, or do I want to start doing what I can right here right now with the information attained the first time I reached out.
I'm not saying don't reach out, quite the opposite. I'm saying my reaching out was an essential step... please, reach out. What I'm saying is, once you reach out, process with someone, then come to the conclusion that change must happen in order to break certain cycles, that is when you come in. That's when you take action and no one can walk that path for you. No one can drag you to the gym or force feed you the right food for you, or drink that water to stay hydrated properly. That's all you. By your hands alone does the real work begin. Knowing is half the battle, though. It's what you do with that knowledge that really matters.
This is just my experience and my 2cents. I'm not a life coach, guru or role model. Just a regular ol' spacestace. Peace ✌✨
*Images from pixabay.com