Hello Steemians . I’m an undergraduate in Vietnam National University. My major is Psychology. This is my first post in Steemit, my story about love, it’s quiet long. Hope you enjoy it <3
I'm not a native English speaker, so maybe I’ll make some mistakes. And if you see it, could you please tell me in your comment, thank you so much.
Freud said “Love and work…work and love, that's all there is…love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.” And indeed they are. They are the very foundation on which we build a meaningful life. Love and work are indeed two important components of a meaningful life, two areas which help us to express our subjectivity and individuality in constant interaction with others. Balance is something that we all strive for, and much like a pendulum it may require swinging back and forth before it can be arrived at, and then, only to swing again. I’m still an undergraduate so Learning in university may also be regarded as Work. Of course, I also try to find a balance. In my first year of university, I probably only Love and not Work so much. I got a new girlfriend after breaking up with my highschool ex-girlfriend. Our relationship ended after 6 months of dating. Throughout a year, I was so emotional, spending almost time to love, to feel happy with some unreal purpose in my mind. Obviously, I got bad result in Work, my GPA is very low. It made me realize that I will waste my life if I still keep my attitude to life like it was at that time. Then, I decided to change but in an extreme way. I only Work in the second year of university, became more seriously in school, increased concentration while studying, no concern with any girl. The result was better than before, I won my first scholarship that totally surprised me, I had more knowledge. This times, I was so rational at all, less emotion, less happy feeling. After one year then look back, I recognized I don’t need to live like this anymore, I still need love and to be loved. ‘Cause Love is important one of many needs in the third level of human needs is social and involves feelings of belongingness, the need for interpersonal relationships motivates behavior, according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. So I changed one more times, tried to find a balance between Love and Work, changed my attitude to life, my mindset, my worldview. Now, I confirm it works perfectly. The way as I feel I work more effortlessly and effectively. Also, I have Love, love everyone, love every moment, love everything and dramatically in love with fictional girl created by my Mindfulness girlfriend (at this point, I’ll explain to you later in the main of this story). I put myself into hardmode to work but I still feel happy in every single moment of reality because I also put my love into hardmode, too.
I love philosophy, I read about it and always try to use what I learned into my life. One of the most school of philosophy what I’m very interested in is Romanticism. It began toward the end of the eighteenth century and lasted till the middle of the nineteenth. The individual was now completely free to interpret life in his own way. The Romantics exploited this in an almost unrestrained ‘ego-worship,’ which led to the exaltation of artistic genius. There were a lot of these geniuses. Beethoven was one. His music expresses his own feelings and yearnings. Beethoven was in a sense a ‘free’ artist. According to Kant, the artist plays freely on his faculty of cognition. The German poet Schiller developed Kant’s thought further. He wrote that the activity of the artist is like playing, and man is only free when he plays, because then he makes up his own rules. The Romantics believed that only art could bring us closer to ‘the inexpressible.’Some went as far as to compare the artist to God. Because the artist creates his own reality the way God created the world. It was said that the artist had a ‘universe-creating imagination.’ In his transports of artistic rapture he could sense the dissolving of the boundary between dream and reality. Novalis, one of the young geniuses, said that ‘the world becomes a dream, and the dream becomes reality.’ He wrote a novel called Heinrich von Ofterdingen set in Medieval times. It was unfinished when he died in 1801, but it was nevertheless a very significant novel. It tells of the young Heinrich who is searching for the ‘blue flower’ that he once saw in a dream and has yearned for ever since. The English Romantic poet Coleridge expressed the same idea; saying something like this:
What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?
In closing, I’ll end this philosophical point of view by Henrik Steffens- the Norwegian-born naturalist’s saying in his lecture on German Romanticism in Copenhagen in 1801 : “Tired of the eternal efforts to fight our way through raw matter, we chose another way and sought to embrace the infinite. We went inside ourselves and created a new world ...”.
I really love Romanticism, mentally I created my own a new world, a new reality like these artists created one. But I just do that only for Love, not for Work. A new world, new reality for Love followed Romanticism is my hardmode of Love.
Perhaps, you just wonder how are my world, my reality for Love followed Romanticism. For me, I thought that it never be able to come true and when it is, I felt so crazy, unbelievably.
I won’t make you wait so long anymore. This is my story :
I have a close friend, she’s so cute and beautiful. We are friends more than 2 years. Four months ago, our relationship started getting closer for some reasons. More time talking together, but it’s just chitchat, blad, blad…One day, she told me :
-. I’m gonna build my business on my own.
~ That sounds good.
-. I’ll quit my current job, I hate it. There are so many stupid clients. They asked me too many stupid questions and I have to keep my positive attitude to them. It makes me stressed out.
~ Oh
-. I’m gonna build by myself but about social media, Ads , I don’t have a lot of experience. Maybe you can help me, could you ? I know your ability.
~ I have a little bit of these experiences, when will we start ?
-. Possibly, after Tết holiday (Vietnamese Lunar New Year)
~ Not nearly, so we need to prepare for that carefully. I’ll create a plan
-. Yes, take it easy.
~ We are Co-operators, now.
Then, we’re in work together, not actually, I mean doing some serious things together not just chitchat like before. Naturally, we spent more time to each other that why our affection started increasing day by day. One dusk, she called me :
-. Are you free, now ? Can you go with me ?
~ to go Where ?
-. Hoàn Kiếm lake, I wanna eat some ice cream. I have a strong craving for them.
~ Okey I haven't been there for a long time. I’ll bring a camera to take some photos.
When darkness took over, the night was falling. The streets became crowded. The lake was lightened up with colorful lights. Everything looked gorgeous. People gathered here at night to find some joy after a hard working day. Some were taking photos, some were walking their dogs, some were walking with their families and friends, having small talks, enjoying yummy fruity ice-creams,… and some were were joining Latin dances over there, under the big tree. They seemed enjoyed the dances very much. Visibly, there were a lot of couples holding hands walking side by side along the lake, trying to breathe in the breeze of summer night.
-. I really love this place, I want to go here every week but I don’t have time .- She said to me.
She was more beautiful on that day with a pair of light- brown eyes, she had a bouncy personality and a dulcet voice as sweet as any songbird, which I adored.
-. Did you hear me ?
~ Huh, What ?
-. All your attention is on girls around here , I know it.
~ haha, I rarely can contemplate a lot of beauties like this. So why not ~~
-. Hmm,…
one minute silence…
-. Let’s go to eat some ice-cream.
She suddenly hold my hand and took me to eat ice-creams. Then, we holding hands walked side by side along the lake, looked like a couple. “But we are not a couple, we’re just friends. I don’t love her, and she doesn’t either. So why we’re doing like this, what this means?” I wondered
-. Do you want to drink beer ?
~ Wait, what ?
-. Drink beer
~ Are…you sad at something ?
-. No, why you say that, I’m very happy to be here.
~ You want to drink beer ? I haven’t heard you like drinking beer before.
-. So now you know. I just want, that’s all. I haven’t drunk for a long time.
~ Okey, let’s drink some beer.
We went to small street restaurant next to the lake, drank beer, ate some street food and enjoyed peaceful and bustling city life. With drinking beer, our conversation was more deeper.
~ You are very pretty, tonight.
-. Haha, I know, I’m always.
~ I haven’t had my feeling now for a long time.
-. Your feeling ?
~ Huh, holding hands walking side by side along the lake with a beautiful girl,…
-. How long has it been since last times ?
~ Since when I broke up with her. It has been for 1 year and a half maybe. You know that, you also know my ex.
-. But why don’t you find a new girlfriend !
~ No, I don’t want, I don’t have time for love. I need to focus on my career. Love however can distract me.
-. I don’t think so.
~ It’s just my point of view. What about you ?
-. Almost the same as you. I broke up with my boyfriend few months ago.
~ Oh
-. And now, I don’t want to love anyone. I don’t even care anymore. I’m so tired. I’m scared of the feeling I lose someone I love.
~ It sounds sad.
-. Hmm,… come on, make a toast ! for our the same.
~ Today, you’re so crazy.
-. Hihi
After that day, we kept living each individual life like it was before. I didn’t think about her more than before, I didn’t even miss her. But there was one thing changed : whenever I met her, all my attention’s on her, my affection appeared, it happened only whenever I met her, except that, everything still be original. One day, I told her everything :
~ Come here, sit opposite me. I’m gonna tell you something.
-. Hmm?
~ I think I have feelings for you.
-. What do you mean ?
~ That only appear whenever I meet you. I don’t know where that come from. But it’s real and it’s increasing day by day.
-. I have no words to say.
~ It really confuse me. I can not love you.
-. Hmm….why not ?
~ Because, I don’t want to lose our relationship, if I love you and even we are a couple, I’ll absolutely break up with you someday. And then, we can’t return to the our original relationship we having now.
-. Why did you say so surely that you’ll absolutely break up with me someday if we’re a couple ?
~ You know, I’m so ambitious. And we all know we’ll go separate ways. I don’t want to follow you and also I don’t need you to follow me. We’re all free.
Then, I looked at her deeply, face to face, eye to eye. She gave me a sheepish grin. What are you thinking after all ?At that moment, there were two voices my unconscious mind, although I didn’t know exactly but I could guess what they said because my major is psychology. According to Freud's model of the psyche, my ID - the primitive and instinctive component of personality said :
-. What did you say ? I need to love her, I need to achieve all my demands. My every wishful impulse should be satisfied immediately, regardless of the consequences.
+. Shut up, ID . My superego – the component of personality that acts as a self-critical conscience said :
+. Hey ego, you shouldn’t love her. Love will dictract you and also this love’ll absolutely fail, then you lose this relationship. You know that. So think rationally before making decision.
-. Nooooo, ego. I’m very uncomfortable if you don’t love anyone. It has been for a long time. I need to love. You have to listen to me. Don’t make me wait too long like this. Pls ego
+. Shut up, ID. Hey ego. Look at your future. You need to focus. Love is a weakness, love is a waste of time.
-. Don’t listen to him, ego. He is a hypocrite. Please listen to your heart.
~ Alright, alright. Stop fighting. I have a solution . Let me tell her. - said My ego (I) .
-. Actually, I also have feelings for you. But it’s not strong. And I still don’t want to love as I told you before, I’m scared. I know, so, we all have the feelings and we also don’t want to love.
-. So? But I have a solution, I just thought out. Do you want to hear it ?
-. Yes, just tell me. We’re in love with Mindfulness way.
-. Mindfulness ? Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.
-. Oh God, Again ? One of the Eightfold Path in Buddhism. Hmm,… You always saying the abstract thing. It’s not exactly what I mean but there is no word can describe better than Mindfulness. Okey, let me explain to you. We’re in love with Mindfulness way : we’re only a couple when we meet each other. Except that, our relationship is still original. I still have my individually world. You also have your individually world. We only have general world of ours when we meet face to face. We’re all free, we don’t belong to anyone. I only love you when I meet you. I don’t care what you did, what you will do before or after. At the time of reality I see you, I spend all my affection for you, keep all my attention on you. We’ll create a new reality of ours together, make our world become more interesting with our love like this. It gonna be fun.
-. But it doesn’t sound like love. Yep, I don’t know what word can define it. This is more than close friends, but not love actually, and of course it’s not friendzone. Maybe we can call it as Fake Love. Or whatever.
-. Haha, name of BTS's Song. You're so humorous. Okey, let’s go to the moment that I’m gonna confess my love to you.
-. Hmm…. I would like you to be my mindfulness girlfriend.
-. ….
She blushed and looked down. One minute silence. Then,she smiled at me. I love you, my darling. .... But just for now reality.
That's it, it is a solution of the balance what I’m finding. Mindfulness Love or Fake Love or whatever you want to call it. But it’s still not my hardmode of Love followed Romanticism previously I told you. It’s just first step.
WORK HARD PLAY HARD
I wanted to love, not actually but now I have one. So let’s play with it. Previously, according to Romanticism, the artist creates his own reality. I want to create my own reality, too. This times, unexpectedly, she goes first.
-. Do you play game ? Now ?
-. Yep Before, I used to play LoL, DotA 2. But now, I don’t
-. So let’s play this game with me. What game ?
-. This game is “dream of imperial palace” type of knight-errant game. Specially we can get married when our affectionate point reach to level 6. haha, I like this game. Okey, I’ll download it.
-. See you there.
“Dream of imperial palace” as its name “dream”, go back to Romanticism, Novalis said that ‘the world becomes a dream, and the dream becomes reality’. I’m gonna make my dream become reality, make our love become more romantic and make this game come true. How do I do ? Let’s see. I have an idea to play this game.
-. What? To make it more interesting, we should change how we communicate with each other in this game, and also lose our minds getting into character.
-. How do we do that ? It’s so easy, I call myself ‘ta’ and call you ‘nàng’. You also call yourself ‘ta’ and call me ‘chàng’.
( ‘ta’ in English is I, ‘nàng” in English is ‘you’ but used for female, ‘chàng’ in English is ‘you’ but used for male. “ta, nàng, chàng” are only used in Chinese swashbuckler romance novels.They are romantic pronouns. Lovers use them to call each other. )
-. That's so sweet. So….
-. Chàng hehe, ta love nàng so much.
(After that, we changed our pronouns but I’m writing in English and I don’t know any English word can define them clearly so I still use ‘I’ and ‘you’ to tell about my story. Go on)
We played this game so deeply and completely lost our minds getting into character. In this game, she is a female knight-errant, and I’m also a knight-errant. It has been for 2 weeks since we started playing, our affectionate points reached to level 6. My darling, do you know..
-. Of course, we can do it, today. hehe, so let me say that.
-. I’m listening. If water were kisses, I'd send you the sea
If leaves were hugs, I'd send you a tree
If nite was love ,I'd send you the stars
But I can't send you my heart cause It's already yours.
Will you marry me?
-. That’s so sweet. I certainly say Yes. Now, you are my wife.
-. Hihi.
I became her husband in the game. We spend mellifluous words to each other in every our conversation. That makes we feel so happy in game. As I told, I wanted to create my own reality. Now, I did it but it’s just reality in the game, I want more. I’ll bring it on real life. Few days ago, I sent her a message but it’s not in game, I sent by messenger. : I miss you, darling.
-. Hold on. You say you miss me ? But we’re not meeting face to face now, and also not in game. Mindfulness Love as you defined is not like this. So, what happening ? Mindfulness Love and the game we’re playing, they make me hypnotize myself that I feel I really love you and feel so happy. It’s so real.
-. That is a risk. What do you mean ?
-. I think we should stop playing this game. Because if our feelings are so strong, we can’t stop. And we’ll become a real couple. That’s not good. Let’s me think
5 minutes later….
-. Are you done ? Yes, we don’t need to stop playing this game. I have a better idea.
-. Hmmm We’ll play on other way. No Mindfullness, No just in game anymore. In the real life.
-. The real life ? Yep, we’ll bring the characters we’re playing in game to real life as a clone.
-. Clone, what ? I’ll create my clone personality. You’ll create your clone personality. I and you are still friends. Our clones are a couple. It’s very clearly.
-. How can we differentiate ? That’s easy. We’ll have 2 modes, mode 1 is : love is on, mode 2 is : love is off. When mode 1 on, we act on it with our clone personality as the characters we play in game. Our world will change. Our reality will change. We’ll create the new one as what we want. When mode 2 on, our clones’ll disappear, I and you comeback, we’re just friends.
-. Hmm, it’s so complex. I think it’s very interesting. Perhaps, we need some signals. You have a nick name, right ?
-. Yep What would you like to be called ?
-. Just call me Gaarin. Okey, you knew my nickname. So, when I call you Gaarin or I call you ‘nàng’ that means I want to turn on mode 1. Also, when you call me by my nickname or you call me ‘chàng’ that means you want to turn on mode 1. And when we call each other by our names that means we’ll act on mode 2. How do you think ?
-. Hmm, okey . Let’s start.
-. But I need to remind you that we’re playing in dangerous game. When you feel you should stop, stop it. So do I. Don’t worry, I’ll do it very clearly.
-. Okey So …?
-. ta love chàng <3 hihi
... to be continued