In an almost unbelievable turn of events, late-night internet shitposters and fans of the chronic have suddenly become a dominating force in the world economy as thousands of stoned trolls become millionaires by posting high-res close up photographs of cannabis buds on Steemit.com. Almost overnight, the world has shifted from the control of big businesses to a reliance on soft-spoken, somewhat antisocial nouveau-hippies who are running the market with a fixation on sustainable energy, flared trousers, long hair, and pictures of cute animals.
It all started last week, when hundreds of new Steemit users collectively (yet individually) decided to smoke marijuana and scour the internet for pictures of funny comics, "trippy" optical illusions, fluffy kittens, and grand photographs of Nature. Following these events, a large movement of so-called hippies have gained a massive collective cash-flow from new crypto-currency-meets-social-media website Steemit.com, and almost instantly the globe felt the gentle caress of the iron hand of a new slave-master. The hippies seem at the moment to be leaderless, but already the collective brainstorm and massive amount of global e-currency accrued by these pot-heads has lead to a noticeable change in the outlook of the global economy and investment in future opportunities.
"It's like, really really important that we start getting all our ideas together in one big bag, right?" Speculates hippie businessman Neil from that one dream he has in the British tv show The Young Ones. "The future is now, man, and like, we've all everyone have got to do us all our own little part."
Stocks in electric cars and solar panels have skyrocketed already, and other radical renewable energy resources have been seeing an unprecedented and unexpected boom. But it is not all fun and games with pot smokers controlling such unheard-of amounts of wealth.
"Endangered animal populations have almost doubled in a three-day period." Says animal expert Annie Malistic. "These animals are endangered for a reason - a lot of them are large, and dangerous to humans."
Annie proves her point by citing the recent destruction of an African village by the thought-to-be-recently-extinct Black Rhinoceros, and the tragic deaths of several dozen trophy hunters who were illegally targeting lions in a protected nature reserve in Botswana.
"Human beings are at the top of the food chain for a reason. If we let the lions back into the world, it could spell disaster." She warns.
Another unforseen tragedy is the rapidly declining stocks of meat producers, particularly harming global fast-food chains which are known for keeping animals like chickens, cows, and pigs in extraordinarily cruel conditions.
"Our very way of life is being threatened by these hippies. All they want to eat is lentils - it's sickening, and frankly, it's inhumane." says MacBonelands spokesman Jay Faremay.
"If we don't get the money back to the greedy people - fast - the world could take a disastrous turn for the better" he cautions.
At the same time, it is not all doom and gloom. Workers at 24-hour convenience stores have noticed a great increase in late-night traffic, which for many of the often immigrant workers means a bigger pay-cheque and a better life in a very strange and sometimes intimidating new country. Fortune tellers and spiritual healers have also been experiencing a large increase in business, with witch-shops selling pebbles to hippies for absurd sums of money.
"I used to feel bad charging $30 for the pebbles I found on my way to work - but now I charge $300 and it's pocket-change to these idi- uh, wonderful souls" says [anonymous shop-owner]. "It's not just me, either. The yoga studio upstairs has been packed to overflowing for almost five days straight." She explains.
Whatever the outcome, it is important to stay vigilant during these turbulent times.
-IBS News