Well dog, It hasn't gotten any better. My chick left me i dunno now a week or two ago. I ate a grip of pills to just get it over with on Tuesday, again cant do that right. I was pretty effed up for a few days. Then I was back to the same ol me again for 2 days this week.
Me and my ex have been talking. I have to meet her in the next town over to get her her belongings and she gives me one of our dogs back. Well, last night I got to thinking, shes playing me. Then my mind just started running wild. So I slept most the day to silence it.. Sidebar last week I had an epiphany about mental health and want to bring it more out in the open. I came up with a (imo great slogan) and was hella stoked and started research and found a senator here in calie is all about it. started a letter and my freaking head doesn't lemme finish a darn thing... back to today.
When I woke up i was sitting at the end of my bed and going to tell my ex, who says we are still together but somethings just are not lining up for that. It seems like shes playing me. So I told her in a txt I was gonna call I had something I needed to say. She says" ooh ominous sounding" I replied it was. After awakening I sat at the edge of the bed thinking. and I said eff it dont talk bout it be about it. and started a daily organizer for the next 4 days, well 3 actually cuz tomorrow is football. so I lined out what needed to be done each day. Nothing overwhelming and quite simple to complete. As I was doing it I started feeling great again. I have since been good.
All ,ost this whole year has been bad for my mental health. And I was in a very dark place and she was scared as hell. I killed this cat the night before and she saw me do it. I have no idea why I did it. And i feel so bad. Well that was the last straw and she bounced.
I actually dont blame her for leaving. I blame her for staying as long as she did. I would have left months ago. She was afraid. She is so beautiful and innocent in so many ways. I am a monster. I am working on myself, finding a psych, a therapist, getting back up meds which is just going to rob me of my creativity and who I am. But I dont want to hurt anyone or thing. I just want a simple life and some semblance of happiness.especially for those that love me.
I used this app called babalon top find a therapist and psych yesterday, and it was a waste of time and kinda screwed me up cuz I had to relive y life again. Im sick of it. And she said basically, dude youre way too effed up for me to help you here. LOL. Its whatever. But I am practicing just what you said 
Just an hr ago I helped one of my oldest friends find a side hustle thats gonna be a pretty good gig for the guy. His appreciation was overwhelming. One question the woman asked me yesterday was, " what is one thing worth you staying alive for" me, nothing. As we talked I told her that I enjoy helping people through their stuff because I know the pain, I know the signs, and she said try that more or something. Well today was proof of that.
RE: And nothing else matters...