When I say that I know Death rather intimately, that doesn't mean I entertained suicidal ideation on occassion.
It means that for the better part of my life, Death has come for family and any hope I ever had for family pretty steadily; I've had the unfortunate luck of what we'll call extreme loss from the tender age of 15.
I've lost my only brother to suicide. I've survived 9 miscarriages. Somehow, I'm still fighting a daily struggle to accept this devastating fate and learn how to be happy again. Trust me, it's very much a struggle...
Now losing a brother and suffering miscarriages are heartbreaking, but they simply scratch the surface of how deeply I have truly lost.
If I attempted an autobiography, you might think you were reading a VERY badly scripted soap opera and wonder why somone would continue watching something so completely negative and unbalanced.
And yet truth is stranger than fiction. I always hate starting new jobs because inevitably people ask about your life and background, and if I'm in any way honest, awkwardness then ensues. People don't know what to say to me. People automatically start offering advice, or attempt to triage events that long since transpired...
I will let you in here. I will tell you how it is and how it was, for me; my life experience.
But it won't be easy to type. It may not be easy to read. It won't be all in this one post, I'll keep adding.
Because that is part of the point of Steemit, to let people in, give them a glimpse of what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes. I'm starting this journey with you now, because what I remember tonight, may be erased in another month if I hesitate too long. I have been going to therapy for a year now, and luckily, blessedly it has begun to work. Demons I thought were mine to nurse forever turned out to be skeletons I had to learn how to bury. Go figure.
So here is as a good a place to tell my tale as any; I'd like to retain as much as possible, the emotions and memories of what happened in my life, as I grow with my therapy and bury these skeletons I've dragged around for far too long already, like some kind of digital diary that if stumbled upon, just may give one other person hope for a better tomorrow. Like a prisoner kept in darkness for any length of time, it's surreal to finally see a light at the end of my dark tunnel. I'm still trying to put some faith back into hope again. Hope is huge...