It is 7 p.m. the evening prior to the publication of this post, and I am writing this now because it's something that's "helpful" and "productive" for me. This is instead of going outside for a walk. Am I just using "productivity" as an excuse to not go outside now? Probably. I hate it.

With brief glimpses outside, I saw the golden sun set against a background of a rainbow horizon in perfect weather, while I swept over with feelings of remorse, sadness, and guilt (but not self-pity) for letting yet another day in my life fly by me. I couldn't even stand to look outside for more than a couple of seconds at a time. This is utterly pathetic.

Those reading this may think, "Why don't you just go outside?" I ask myself the same question. I also think to myself...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!

This is the breaking point. Tomorrow (well, at the time of publication of this post, today), I am waking up at 9 a.m., giving myself no more than 30 minutes on the phone, reducing the time I waste on self-grooming (which is far too long), setting my devices to turn off internet access at 4 p.m., and going outside. The weather will be great. I know that I will revel in the time I spend outside.

Whatever productivity I manage to accomplish by 4 p.m. tomorrow... that will be it. I will let it go. I have to let it go.

Let's face it... I have no major obligations or timeliness right now. Yes, I am searching for a job, but will it make a difference if I do something after 4 p.m. versus morning time the next day? NO! Will the world keep turning? YES! Will my life change in any meaningful way by continuing to be "productive" after 4 p.m.? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

So that's it.

Well, since I'm already writing this tonight, may as well flesh out my thoughts on the main question I asked in the title...

Why am I so insistent on being productive every day?

There are multiple things to consider here, firstly the cultural and environmental aspects behind my need to feel productive. The USA has established a culture where people feel rewarded for doing things (even if it's relatively useless busy work... thanks bureaucracy!), plus I come from a family of immigrants who have worked hard their entire lives to find success in the USA.

I respect hard work. I respect those who are honestly productive and make a living for themselves through sheer effort and determination. They understand the value of work and productivity, and can appreciate the fruits of their labor. Everything that's earned through hard work feels so much more satisfying than if it's earned through sheer luck.

However, this work ethic and need to be productive can become entirely malignant. When it permeates through every aspect of your life, to the point where you cannot enjoy anything else or favor working over making the best of what life has to offer, it entirely defeats the purpose of working hard. You're simply working just to... work. To keep busy.

In my case, I don't consider the cultural aspect of working the biggest influence on my desire to keep busy, but I will acknowledge that my hard work over the past several years has made me used to working, so time off simply feels... wrong. Like I should be productive.

Knowing how hard my family has worked (except for one individual) has been a major driver in my own work ethic.

At this point, because I've spent so much time working, I essentially find my entire self-worth tied up in my productivity and work ethic. I have one actual friend with whom I sometimes talk, and the rest are acquaintances. I have hobbies, but I've largely abandoned them over the past decade. I used to read about topics outside of my field, but that has been rare over the past decade. I dislike who I am, thus the only thing that I can actually find valuable about myself is the work I do.

Naturally, with all these factors combined, I gravitate towards "working" and "productivity" as a means to "fulfill" myself. But I'm not fulfilled. I'm simply filling my time and not growing.

Over time, I must find more comfort in letting go of this notion that I have to be productive every single day. I have to convince myself that having a few days of non-productivity is ok. Now, I'm not talking about things like household chores (those have to get done!), but stuff like keeping up to date with knowledge in my career, Hive activities (on a different account), and job searching?

I don't need to do those things 7 days per week. I can do job searches 5 days per week, and the others a few times per week for very brief periods. The world will keep on turning, and I will have more time to find myself in the other activities that I have abandoned over the years.

Maybe... just maybe... I'll like myself a little bit more once I find the person that has been buried deep inside my soul for quite a while.