Wow some very intense energetics happening this week, everyone. Who is feeling it? Who's thinking they are feeling it, but just not sure?
That was me about oh... 5 days ago when my hubby and I sat down with our journal and started brainstorming... which turned into manifesting...
Which turned into something else altogether.
I had an overwhelming feeling of Abundance that day. And since then, some things have been brought full force to my attention. Some areas of "lack" or the illusion of lack, have been brought to the forefront through some transmutation work I've been puzzling and feeling my way through. For those of you who aren't familiar with energetic transmutation, you are quite literally taking what starts as emotion and transforming the energies of said emotion into different energies, thereby changing the energetic field and over time rewiring the brain and entire system, really. It's fascinating and utterly profound work and I am blown away by the effects of it.
Another super intense and interesting thing that happened this week was that I started training in Taijiquan again. There's a story behind why I took a long hiatus from my tai chi work. A little over 2 years ago, my Shifu (who was also one of my very close friends) committed suicide. It was... indescribably sad, shocking, terrifying, a bit unexpected, but in hindsight maybe not that unexpected... and therein lies some of the complicated stuff that comes along with grieving over someone who has ended their own life... It isn't just grief, it's grief plus guilt plus shame plus some other stuff that I haven't even come to grips with yet.
Every time over the past 2 years that I tried to find the enthusiasm to train again, I've come up on resistance, usually in the form of lack of motivation, stagnant energy, and just a general mehhh feeling. It felt awful to train in tai chi, to be honest, and that was a new feeling for me. Taijiquan had always been my path out of the darkness, and now, it left me with very few options.
So, rather than butting my head against that wall, I dove head first into yoga and found so much energy there, so much solace, and so much growth. It was a lot like tai chi, I realized, but more gentle, and to me at the time, far more accessible.
Lately, though, over the past couple months I've been feeling very blah about yoga, and as I've had many conversations on Steemit about tai chi, I have found myself drawn back toward it in a way I can't really describe. So the other day, I had some time to myself and decided to train. Like, really train.
Within moments, I knew it was something different. I had my head up, my back straight, I was breathing into my dantien, filling it up with breath. Feeling out that "sea of chi". I could feel the flow through my body, down my limbs, into fingers and toes. And then, as soon as that feeling spread through my body, I decided to accept and release the resistance. I decided to ride the dragon.
And promptly fell to pieces.
So much stuff came up, it was like an intense energetic cleansing, water energy flowing through my body and manifesting as tears and floods of emotion. Waves of cool water coursing over flames, it was both amazing and intense, something like grief, like guilt, like shame came up, but this time accompanied by something much like release and cool, calm spaciousness.
I miss my Shifu, I miss my friend. I miss my buddy who taught me how to suck shrimp heads, who would be equally happy training with me as sitting and watching superhero movies, or playing piano, or just talking about random life stuff. Yah... I miss my friend.
But, I am happy to say, something has shifted inside. I no longer feel like I'm training for someone else. This feels entirely different. It feels whole, full, confident, and calm. I'm a different person than I was two or three years ago. A lot has changed. I wish my friend were still here, I wish I could explain how badly I wish that were true. But I'm glad that I am a different person. I can at least find one small thing to be grateful for.
If there's one thing I know about these energetic shifts, it's this...
the new energy is not about conquering, it's about accepting. It has nothing to do with wrong vs right, or judgment. It has everything to do with finding resistance, and accepting every part of the self, even (especially) the parts we do NOT like. Taking those pieces and treating them exactly the same as the parts we DO like about ourselves. Loving them and accepting them exactly the same. It is only in this way that we can find the many paths to Source. Acceptance of resistance and embracing it, bringing it in to the fold, transforming it, transmuting it, is the way of Radical Self Love and emotional and energetic alchemy.
drive straight into that storm, and see what's there, waiting for you
Well, that's all I have for now. We shall see what the rest of this crazy week brings.
Thanks for reading, and I wish all of you well through these wild energetic times!
Xx the Tree of Life
Image source: https://beyondword.com/blogs/beyond-words-blog/get-to-know-your-personal-energy-field
Image driving into the storm is my own.
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