You just buried your fear, took the leap and asked someone to do something with you!
You summoned the courage by muttering sweet nothings to yourself and convinced that voice inside your head to send the text/voice note/email/whatever platform you communicated by (because let’s be honest, most of this happens virtually nowadays) and you waited, aggressively... patiently for a response.
Deep breaths. In, out, out in.
The clock seems like it's betraying you... it feels as though it decided to freeze into slow motion just to make this agony last longer. At the exact same time, time, the unfriendly foe right now flies by, suddenly faster than it was moving before. Slow and fast at the same time, rid of any sense as the world warps around you.
Checking frantically for the response, it hasn’t come yet… mind starts to swirl.
“What if they say 'no?'"
See, that’s the dreaded fear latent in each and every one of us — rejection.
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What an ugly word, right? It feels gross typing it even… rejection. (I’m just going to bold that out for you so it really grabs your attention and seeps in.) Man, that’s the kind of feeling that we want to avoid at all costs.
So then, how does rejection happen? Well, that’s the kicker.
You think it comes from the other person but my dear friends, I am here to tell you (don’t shoot the messenger) it comes from YOU! It is born from deep within your traumas and experiences that paint your personal story.
You sent your invitation and that comes with a want or an ideal outcome (don’t lie to yourself, you sent it because you wanted the person you sent it to to say “yes.”)
What happens if that person then collides with your anticipated fantasy of your vulnerability being put out there and says the word your ego fears most… “no?”
If you have trauma concerning acceptance, feeling wanted, being supported and secure within your relationship with yourself, your parents, your friends, your co-workers and anyone you've come in contact with, then you’re going going to hear that “no” (which by the way is an expression of the other person as their personal boundaries and wants and needs) as an attack.
The problem is most often, (though granted, not always) it’s not personal and you therefore do not serve yourself in any positive way by taking it personally. It’s like the famous phrase...
“it’s not you, it’s me.”
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We don’t usually take that answer very well though, do we?
We start to tear ourselves apart from our head to our toes (speaking of toes, "man, if only I didn’t have such big feet maybe they would like me"…) That’s the kind of toxic thinking that gets us locked in a mind-trap where we become at war with ourself.
I’m here to tell you, that trap, that cage, that web is not a fun time. It’s not something you should willingly enter into because it’s wet, it’s dark, it’s uncomfortable and it wreaks havoc on our emotional psyche!
So how do we turn around the rejection (the feeling of being unwanted, pushed away, disliked, not “cool” enough?)
It’s a security issue. It’s a self esteem issue. It’s what I sometimes refer to as “ a user error.” That’s to say kindly, it’s all to do with you!
I know that sounds a bit daunting to hear but let me tell you, it also puts a lot of power into your hands.
Let’s say you really wanted to go to lunch with a co-worker, Dave whom you respect and admire (PS. that power dynamic by admiring someone makes you more vulnerable because you care more about what they think!)
Let’s say you are feeling super brave and ask that co-worker, Dave to have lunch. Dave replies and says (kindly as he may)
“Sorry, I actually have plans with Susan. Maybe another time.”
What does your response sound like?
What do you hear in your head when that “no” comes through? You could take that “no” and hear it for what it is, the other person (whom you have no control over by the way) expressing his personal needs and boundaries OR you can hear it as an attack.
“He thinks Susan is cooler than me.”
“I wish I was like Susan.”
That kind of thinking will send you spiraling in a direction towards the trap and we already talked about that not being a good place to go.
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So how about we change the narrative to build you up?
We live in a culture where offending people is either very direct and aggressive or, we have the opposite where some people will be so passive and afraid to offend anyone that they go along with things that they don’t want to, just to keep the peace.
If we have these primary sets of belief, we can assume these things:
- This person has a mind of their own and wants and needs that are individualized to them.
- You are your own person that has your own wants and needs that are individualized to you.
- Sometimes, your wants and needs will differ from another’s.
- You cannot know their story unless they tell you it directly
What I can promise you is that unless you’re highly psychic and can read minds accurately… you cannot know what is going on in their mind and trying to rationalize to yourself using your experience (different than theirs) and your logic (different than theirs) and your perspective (again, different than theirs) will not ever prove to be an effective strategy when concerning others.
You can’t know their mind so all of those insecure thoughts about why they said “no” will probably be worse than the real reason (and if you want a real reason, you can always ask and be prepared to hear an answer that you might not have thought about!)
Here’s how I see it; it’s like gambling-- rolling the dice if you will!
If you’re not willing to take the risk by putting the energy (bet) in, don’t even bother or you'll be in misery if you lose.
You can struggle all you want about the possibilities of an outcome until you drive yourself crazy but at the end of the day, it’ll turn out how it does and it’s up to you then to choose how you respond.
To get back to the title of this article —
We are so disconnected from each other that we’ve become very easily triggered.
We live in our social media constructed worlds where we have our online personas at the ready all of the time.
We want the connection, we want to form relationships but we’re thin-skinned. We’ve been trained and acclimated to being judged on everything about us (because we post everything) and so we’re afraid.
We want to belong, we want the likes and follows and claps. We want people to accept us. We want the “yes”.
The trick is, that if you’re OK with the “no” and you feel good enough about yourself, who you are and what you do, that “no” is just a gateway for you to make another plan.
You don’t need to beat yourself up or feel you’re not worthy. You just compassionately recognize that sometimes, there will be “no’s” and those “no’s” are perfectly OK.
If you’re someone who says “yes” to people just to please them — can you please stop that!
It’s OK to say “no!”If you’re someone that says “no” consistently to someone waiting for your “yes” — maybe an explanation would be helpful to the relationship so you’re on the same page.
To the person who feels completely alone and lost when they hear a “no” — don’t fall into that trap — it’s not about you all of the time.
You’re fine with or without a “yes!”
Love and Light ✨
Cece 😘🧙
This post is original content by Cece Heart
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