Whenever the term “appropriately selfish” is mentioned, usually it is met with blank or confused stares.
From a young age, we're taught to see “selfish” in strictly negative connotations; it's often used to describe kids that don't share their toys. Being selfish in kid speak means being bad, maybe feeling guilty. Now, as adults, we have the more difficult task of going back and figuring out that "selfish” isn't all bad. In fact, sometimes it's a good thing!
For parents, selfishness is sometimes not only appropriate, but also important for our children. Here's how:
You may be better to meet your childrens’ needs: Many parents have difficulty taking a day or a long weekend away from the kids even when desperately needed. The idea of a break is not necessarily popular or always societally acceptable. Being a parent is a lifetime job …BUT if you are so burned-out by parenting that you are snapping at your kids left and right, not enjoying much family time, and feeling resentful of your children and obligations, be selfish for you and them! Take even a little time away, even a few hours, if possible, and rejuvenate. You'll be a better parent AND the kids will be grateful to have you, the great parent you are, back.
It sets a good example for you kids. When we have needs and can articulate them, this shows our kids the importance of balance and making appropriate choices. Sure, our childrens’ needs have to be recognized and validated, but it's just as important to teach them to identify others’ needs. Hearing, “Mommy has a headache and needs 15 minutes of alone time while you play in your room” will not make our kids feel less loved, it will teach them about the needs of others and encourage them to try to meet your needs. Your kids may pick up on your language and better identify their needs verbally as a result.
It can teach kids to be independent: From the time of the terrible twos, kids start learning that great phrase, “No.” For the first time in their lives, they are letting us know that their needs differ from ours. This stage is part of early identity and independence formation, separate from parents. So, even from a young age, our kids can and should learn more and more progressively that love is still possible even when parents sometimes have different needs than kids.
Getting comfortable being "appropriately selfish" is a process of emotional acceptance and trial and error. Of course, balance selfish needs with being selfless until you find a balance which works for you and your family. Remember, that during the summer, when kids are usually a little less structured with school and activities, it is a great time to experiment with appropriate selfishness. It may make summer more enjoyable for you and everyone in the family.