I have thought about writing this letter for quite awhile, but my anger has not permitted me to come from this place until now. Even as I write it I'm not sure if I will even send it. If I do send it, I'm not sure you'll even read it. But that doesn't matter to me because this letter is a release for me--a pathway to a higher understanding of the lesson you are supposed to bring into my life. It will relieve the suffering I've been feeling. I can only help it will do the same for you, as well.
I'm not sure if you are a spiritual person-actually I don't know you at all. Your judgment of me when I share this with you is of no concern to me, but I think it is worth sharing. You have been in my dreams several times since I first met you. The dreams are very real. I can specifically remember three of them. The first one, which was quite awhile ago you and I got into a physical fight. I was dragging you by your hair and punching you in the face. Even as I think of the dream right now, it makes me sick to my stomach.
The second and third dreams I remember were both in the last two nights, which is why I'm writing this letter.
In the second dream, I approached you and told you I was sorry that things had gone the way they have in the past year. I remember the feeling I had in my heart more than the words that were exchanged. It was the feeling of appreciation and respect. You returned the same feelings. It was such a great dream and I was sad to wake up from it to learn that it didn't really happen.
In the third dream, last night, it was the opposite. I had approached you and told you I was sorry for everything and you, for a lack of other words, were a bitch to me, much like you have been in real life. Neil was there and I asked him if he could help to smooth everything out and he just ignored me and left the room. This is how I feel like reality has been between us, and it feels terrible.
I believe that you and I have had this conflict in order for me, and/or you, to learn something. And the pain of it won't stop until I start to approach it with more understanding of why it's happening and why you have reacted the way you have and why I have reacted the way I have.
In my life, I have only had the feeling I've had toward you with two other people, my step-mother who was very verbally and emotionally abusive, and my half-sister, who is extremely selfish, but is learning. I've since made amends with both of them. This letter is so that I can at least be in peace in my own heart toward you, because these last two hears have been a huge struggle--the feelings I have had toward you are ruining my own life. It has been a huge cloud hanging over my head.
I'm assuming that you have felt threatened by me since you entered my kids' lives. I can understand why. A mother does feel very protective of her children, especially when a new woman enters the picture. While it would have helped for you to come into the picture with a little more grace and understanding of the entire situation, I think I understand why you felt and have reacted the way you have. So, I should have approached things a little differently, as well. This has been a huge learning lesson for me and quite a roller coaster ride. The human side of me sometimes wants to hurt you and see you suffer for some of the crappy things you've said and done. The spirit side of me (the stronger of the two) wants you to be happy and would like to see us communicate maturely so that the kids can have more harmony and peace in their lives.
With that being said, as you stated in your voicemail awhile ago, you don't wish for us to ever be friends. I will always be around if you change your mind--especially for the sake of my children.
I have blamed you for the discord between the kids' father and I. While I know your presence has definitely changed the relationship and has caused us to have a lot of conflict, there was already a lot of discord before you arrived. The divorce and events surrounding it were really painful for both of us and things did not, obviously, work out as we had planned when we got married. After we separated and divorced, the boundaries were not set and things were confusing. He couldn't move on and neither could I. You helped to set those boundaries, and for that I am grateful. However, I do hope that someday we can accomplish a little more balance. I believe that parenting should be a partnership whether the mother and father are divorced or not. I grew up in a divorced family and my mom and my dad hated each other and rarely spoke. My mother and my step-mother were enemies. It caused a lot of issues in my life and I'm still working through them now in my own relationships. It may not be possible to have happy little Thanksgiving Dinners together, but there may come a time very soon when we will all want to attend the same basketball game, or concert that one of the kids is performing in. I think it would be awesome if we could show our support for them together, both then if and when it happens, and now. I'm not going to lie, I dream of a time when you and I can sit down and talk about the kids over a beer and work on ways that we can make the coolest life possible for them.
More than anything, I care that my children have a solid and happy childhood. Well, as solid and happy as possible, anyway. You are a strong, professional woman and so am I. And as I learn lessons like these, I'm getting stronger.
My counselor asked me the other day, "What if you're not the only woman who is supposed to raise your children?" Immediately I got sick to my stomach. While I thought I had prepared myself for that, it still hit me really hard. It made me realize that I have been relying on the kids for my own happiness and that they were my rock and my identity. I felt like you were ripping it from underneath me and destroying my life. Then, I realized, what was worse, is that I was putting them through that responsibility and not standing up on my own. No child should ever be put through that responsibility--I was, and it was terrible.
They are so amazing, and I feel that you know that. I appreciate that you offer them care and compassion. You can provide them with ways of learning that I may not be able to or that will provide them with balance with the way that I teach them. I feel that your mother is great with them, as well. The kids have never said a bad thing about you or her. So, I suppose the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child," is correct." It's hard for me to share them because I want to be with them all of the time, but I guess that's not what's meant to be.
So, what I'm asking you for is peace. Peace between you and I. We don't have to be friends unless time heals things and you are ready to be. I will trust that you are meant to be in their lives as long as you are meant to be. They are growing up and will start to make their own choices and decisions and all of this is the process of me letting go to let them live their own lives.
If you've read this far, thank you. If not, that's ok, too. I needed to do this for me--so that I can move on from the fear and anger I've been feeling toward you.
I wish you well.
Sharli