I push myself through every single day my chanting the same mantra I have been for many years now. I keep telling myself that if it doesn't end happily, it isn't the end at all. It is a childish thought. Straight out of the teeth of a starry eyed girl from Disney Land. But it keeps me going.
The most pronounced lesson I have learned is that it never gets easier. As my hair grows longer so do the list of challenges. Every day comes with its own feats to conquer. Even the quietest days have something sinister waiting for me around the corner.
I think of everything I have rooting for me. My family, a few friends that might have some pleasing memories with me, the few moments of rare tranquillity that came to me out of the blue, and most importantly the hidden away optimistic version of myself who wakes up every morning with a small ray of hope.
I have lived most of my life in fear. I couldn't possibly say that I still don't live in fear. The fear of failure, the fear of the unknown, the fear of losing whatever is left of myself. I am way past the fear of displeasing others, and yet I still live in fear of letting myself down.
I think long and hard, whenever I feel sane enough to do so. I seek out moments of clarity and dive head first into a shallow pool of self reflection, speculation and spirituality to look for the moment where things went south for me.
At times I feel like it was my fate. There are 7 billion of us and I am very sure that I am not a unique specimen who is exclusively going through all of this. Each one of us has something in common, and maybe there are a few out there who just happen to share my gruesome fate of living in hell.
Then she speaks to me. My most precious inner self who I try to protect at all costs. The optimistic little me who usually stays in the shadows. She tries to reason with me and tells me my life in laid out on a table in the form of tarot cards. All of them face up and have nothing nice to say. But there is still one card left unturned on the table...and when it is turned all of the things I dread in this world will simply disappear. I listen to her calmly and begin chanting my mantra again.