Over the years and with a lot of help from mindfulness, I've grown very aware of my own expectations and assumptions while walking the path. Expectations in and of themselves aren't bad or wrong, they just are, but where and how we choose to base or frame our expectations can become problematic. Something I try to always be mindful of is that none of us is owed anything and we're all always learning and growing. With all of that in mind, let's discuss expectations.
Expectations, when not properly kept in check, have a way of coloring our interactions with others or the world around us. For example, if I approach someone with assumptions about who I think they are or how they will respond, I'm creating expectations in my mind. When I create these expectations my mind goes into overthinking mode and tries to plan out how everything will go and how I should alter my self or my actions to get a desired outcome.
This can be a useful tool depending on our intentions, but it can also be a grave hindrance when looking for genuine and authentic interaction, for example wanting to get to know someone versus trying to make a business deal. What we project gets reflected back at us after all. Are we interested in collaborative or competitive communication? Are we trying to dominate via a battle of wits or peacefully coexist by sharing ourselves with each other?
One way that we can manage our own expectations, if thus inclined to do so, is to be absolutely clear on where we're placing them and break down whether or not they come from any unfounded assumptions about the person we're interacting with or the thing we're doing. Placing our expectations on others instead of ourselves often leads to negative feelings when our expectations are not met, so any expectations we have when trying to genuinely interact with another are best placed on ourselves.
Placing expectations on ourselves can be a risky business though. Expectations of success or outcomes in a situation where there shouldn't be any is a great example of this. We're essentially saying to ourselves, "Things have to be exactly like this or I won't be okay with it." This is a need for control and again, depending on the situation, this can become problematic and leave us existing in a prison of our own assumptions and expectations when interacting with others. When we surrender that need for control, we can start developing healthier expectations.
What's a healthy expectation? Let's say there's a fire in front of me. I can touch the fire, but I have some expectations of how I think that will turn out. If I hold my hand in the fire, I expect to get burned. If I quickly run my hand over it, I may expect some warmth, but minimal damage. If I reach into the fire and grab a burning log and try to hold onto it, I can assume there will be some pain and expect to incur some severe bodily harm. These are reasonable expectations when interacting with the world at large, but what about with people?
Honestly, I try to have as close to zero expectations of others as I can manage. Often I'll spend time reflecting on what I mean to say and breaking down any assumptions my lizard brain may have developed from previous interactions so that I can view everyone as equals and give them a fair shake without carrying old baggage over into new interactions. That said, there is one thing I've learned from this practice that is necessary to be mindful of, and that's when people show you who they are, believe them.
I find that for me personally, healthy expectations when interacting with others all tend to be placed on myself. For example, if I commit to approach someone with an open mind, kindness and compassion while being mindful to breakdown any assumptions I may have before engaging, I feel that it's fair to put an expectation on myself to only accept that in return. This takes the burden off the other person to live up to my expectations and creates a reasonable expectation on myself to expect to be treated with dignity and respect.
When that expectation is not met, I remove myself from the situation and find it's much easier to let go of the interaction because there is nothing to cause me to feel resentful. I managed my own expectations. That said, if I put an unhealthy expectation on myself, such as "I have to get such and such outcome or I'm a failure," then there will be feelings of resentment or inadequacy, but they'll be placed on myself as opposed to the other.
As one surrenders the need to control outcomes and manages their own expectations, there's significantly less thinking and planning required when walking the path. Letting go of the mindset that when our expectations are not met that there is some sort of failure on the part of ourselves or others, it becomes easier to just appreciate what is instead of trying to control and force what is to be what we think it needs to be. We can then learn and grow without resentment.
When one values themselves, some expectations are not unreasonable, we just have to be mindful of what they are and where we're placing them. No one else can ever be responsible for living up to expectations that we manufacture in our own minds. We may put any expectations we want on ourselves, but those can become overbearing and have a major impact on our own self worth if not done with mindfulness.
I suppose this post has met my expectations now and pulled all of these thoughts and feelings out of my head to cast out into the world. At this point, I'll manage my own expectations that it will connect with whoever it needs to or no one at all, because I don't expect anyone else to read it. Letting go of any metric by which I consider this post a success, I free myself from the expectation that it has to do anything other than exist as it is. Much love. Peace.