The problem with not knowing is that we don't know we don't know. Even when we think we know that we don't know we are unable to ever understand the depth of our unknowing. Confused? well, I don't really know, but I think I may know something.
We all like to feel pretty smart in this life, like to feel as if we understand what is going on and how it all works. We like to think that what we know is valuable to our position, valuable to the world yet, rarely do we acknowledge that knowing what we do has got us to where we are to this point.
Perhaps you are content being where you are currently, perhaps you would even like to stay there forever but, is this possible? Is it possible to hold your position whilst the world swirls around, the tides push and pull. Being stationary is impossible, the influences are too strong, change is inevitable.
The problem with these changes though is that even when self-directed, one can never be sure how the change is going to interact with the swirling currents unconsidered in the planning. Even those that are considered rarely go completely to plan, there is always a degree, two or more away from bullseye.
And then, even when things go as planned, the change in the environment catalyses other changes and chain reactions shoot out to fracture the ice on which life walks. It is in a continual state of flux, control is largely an illusion.
Should this stop us from moving, stop us from pushing? Because knowledge is always limited and always will be, should this stop us from searching? Some people seem to subscribe to a 'what you don't know can't hurt you' mentality but in their experience, is this true?
Obviously not as not knowing about something doesn't mean it will not have an affect on experience, what it does mean though is that one becomes a victim of experience, things happen with no explanation, life is unfair.
And from what I witness, the more unfair one believes life to be, the more unwilling they are to attempt to affect it. It seems that if life is really unfair, it doesn't matter what I do, I am always a victim of it, always at its mercy. Are you this way, does it empower you? Do you feel activated to move or are you resigned to stand and let the currents drag you under?
I ask because I am not this way so I am curious. Well, that is not true, I was this way but I have shifted to act differently instead. To become proactive rather than reactive, to search instead of wait for answers to fall into my lap.
When I was young I become ill, I still am. I have a chronic inflammatory bowel disease. I don't know why it chose me and I spent years a victim of circumstance, bed-ridden, depressed, broken. I asked from doctors, I asked my parents, I even asked from a god i do not believe in, 'Why me?'
The worst part about the illness was there were no answers, no solution, not even the medication helped relieve the symptoms. Why? they helped others, why not me also? Not knowing meant that I had no way forward and if the experts could not provide clarity, what hope is there?
So, I sat, I lay, I became passive. I became a victim. My health faded further, my mind plunged into the depths of the darkness and I didn't care. I had all but given up on ever living a normal life. And then one day I realised I am not normal, I am exceptional.
Even in the darkness I was exceptional, perhaps because of it. I am not smart, I am not beautiful, I am not overly talented at anything yet I am unique. The thing I didn't know, the most important thing in the world one needs to learn is 'Who I am'. What makes me, me?
This realisation that I had failed to ask the most basic of question made me curious. How many other victims of life like me have failed to ask the same? So, I started my search, I want to know. I say want because it is an impossible journey I think, there is no conclusion.
It is this way because every step I take, both influences me and the world I step upon which means it has changed in some way and that change will reverberate and create more changes that will return to change me again. I is a symphony of continual movement, a never ending dance.
What I have discovered is that we are told to focus, centre, find our core but, at least as far as I have travelled this journey, this plan is flawed, a fool's errand. We have no core, there is no centre, there is likely no boundaries at all but from a practical sense, this is unhelpful, it is too large to work with, at least for me.
Instead, I am looking for the boundaries, looking to see where I end and you start but where is this line when I influence you and you me? Do we not then become a part of each other in some way. When I consider your thoughts, do they become mine, are they still yours or are they now part of a collective?
My actions are guided by genetics, millions of years of evolution to get to this point. Does this make me a victim of ancestry? When it comes to this level of existence, how different are we? Should we find out or keep pretending that the tiny differences matter while massive questions are left begging for attention?
We like to think that we are unique from the group, different, special yet in the reality of things, we are all largely the same.What makes us unique is our ability to keep searching for answers as a community, keep developing our collective knowledge even though no matter how far we go, how much we learn, there will always be more hidden in the unknown.
As we take our steps further into that darkness, we discover more about ourselves but this discovery also changes us. how does it affect us, how do we change?
For me, life is a continual spiralling of experience that affects we and I in turn affect. Sometimes I benefit, sometimes I am harmed. I am a victim of circumstance, I did not choose my life, I do not think anyone did but, I am not a victim of myself.
Instead of worrying about all of the things outside of my influence, i will learn what I can, I will learn to find my potential and utilise it to make life a little better. It is unlikely I will ever see the results for results imply end, the only end I will see is that of my own experience.
We tend to spend so much time passive because of the way we feel and we think that the way we feel is because of something external. The actions of others, their words, their expressions, what they have, how they think... external events don't change our feelings, they draw them out of us, amplify them so we can take notice.
They aren't the world's problem to deal with, they are our own, most are just too unwilling to search for themselves.
This is for me, I don't know about you.
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]