Viral poems

Back in 2006 I registered www.viralpoems.com for a year or two. This was one of those money-making ideas that didn't. Anyway, I just discovered some pix on an old hard drive, so in the interests of historical preservation .... I'll type out the text too for people who don't read handwriting.

Custom-fit

You'll get a custom-fit clit
With your designer vagina
And tailor-made labia too
Although it wouldn't strain us
To tart up your ****
Built-to-specs sex is what we do

Arty names

This only makes sense to people familiar with my home town, Newcastle-upon-Tyne. The stylish building in the background is "The Sage" (its proper name is "The Sage Gateshead" but the locals don't call it that). "The Baltic" is a modern arts gallery a hundred yards along the river.

Arty names
Are all the rage
Here, for instance, is
"The Baltic"

Chavs

You might have to work at this one a bit. You get to slot the correct rhyme in each line.

CHAVS WEAR BLING
CURVS WEAR ...
ELVS WEAR ...
PERVS WEAR ...
(select one each of THIN, JING, STRING as applicable)

Cherub

This was prompted by a true event when I was singing with the "Silver Singers" choir at The Sage, but the final line is poetic license, of course.

To accompany a hymn our dear Gillian
Wired a cherub made of icing to the ceilian
But his wings fell off
As she flung him aloft
The choir wondered if he'd still keep his willian

Gloves

Self-explanatory.

I don't use my rubber gloves
To hinder getting sick
You can get ten condoms from a pair
If you've got a

Nozzle

I never could figure this one out. I guess we'll find out one day.

Footprints? FOOTPRINTS?!!
Why the flock are there footprints seen
Under that big-ass nozzle
The blast would have scoured the surface clean
Right down to the bedrock wozzle
Of it a scam?

Rhymes with "orange"

A challenge I couldn't resist!

Poets all know
That nothing will go
With "Orange"

Some rhymes cause groans
That stress the bones
Of a jaw-hinge

Or evoke the whine-sound
Of a fatman's ninety-pound
Whore whinge

The real truth
Is that even youth
Can find more in
General ....

Rain

If you're like me, you've had laundry hanging outside and have discovered it's raining way too late. I wondered (and still do) why no-one sells rain monitors that tell you when they get wet.