As I type this I still have that feeling, ‘Is this real’ ‘Have I dreamed all this up’ ‘Am I actually really pregnant? My life is about to change with no warning or preparation!!
To paint a picture its Christmas Eve Eve, my husband of only 8 months is on route to Devon to spend Christmas with his parents and I am at my parents having a cup of tea with my mum nursing a very bloated tummy, cramps and absolute fear. I am 36 but still have that little daughter relationship with my mum and the idea of having to tell her I think I need a home pregnancy test makes me want to hide under a blanket, but she’s my best friend and I need one of those right now.
Christmas is all about rich food and the best alcohol, champagne and smoked salmon for breakfast followed by delicious gin and tonics all day, how can I relax and even consider having a sip with even a little doubt in my mind.
I’m about 3 and half weeks late, I have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) so usually being late wouldn’t freak me out too much but my boobs bloody hurt, heavy solid things, not usual for me at all. So about 2 weeks ago, me and my husband did a test, it was negative so being look on the bright side of life people we thought maybe it’s a good thing, we said let’s have a great Christmas and new year full of celebrating as this was the year we got married and found our new home. Days went on and I just didn’t feel myself, I couldn’t hold down my wine, was so tired all the time and crying at everything and anything, but we did the test and it was negative so I had to put it down to that horrible period feelings.
So back to my having a cup of tea with my mum, I just had to blurt it out ‘I can’t drink over Christmas with this on my mind, I’m probably not pregnant but just to be sure I’m going to do a pregnancy test’ Well she bursts into tears as do I. Walking to the chemist felt a million times different to the last time I did a test, I felt dazed, extremely vulnerable, I didn’t want anyone to talk to me or look at me as I could sob at any moment, I just wanted my husband with me to make a protective bubble. Test in hand I walk back to the house heart beating 100 miles an hour. Those next few moments in the loo was just me holding the stick with tears streaming down my face, a little message appeared ‘pregnant 3+’ It’s so strange it was like my baby saying ‘I’m in here’ so many emotions washed over my body,’ I knew it, I Knew it’ I kept saying. I sent my husband a message everyway I could, phoned him, Facebook, WhatsApp everything, just saying ‘We need to talk’. He must have had a feeling too as he simply said ‘You did a test didn’t you’
There are many reasons to our surprise, yes, we have been trying and a baby is 100% what we wanted but having PCOS throws so many problems into baby making. 1 in 10 women have it and it’s a cause of many fertility problems, I was always told and believed it would be IVF I needed to make a baby. My mum struggled for years to have us and my incredible brave sister has 5 years of utter hell and pain, mentally and physically before she had her beautiful twin girls, so I pretty much accepted the fact that was my path but before we went down that long journey we thought let’s leave to fate for a bit and see what happens. I got an app that tells you your fertile days and stuck to it religiously.
Now here we are, haven’t had the chance to cut out alcohol, take the tablets or eat the super foods to make a healthy baby, I haven’t done anything which was sending the fear right through me. I’m going to have to go cold turkey, very apt at Christmas as turkey is pretty much all I can eat. My phone is awash with…. if you’re pregnant can you eat/drink. Trying to find a non-alcoholic drink is the hardest, I picked up some red wine, the colour was perfect, how bad can I be, well disgusting if I’m honest, this is going to take some serious research over 9 months. All the conflicting evidence online is so confusing, as I was enjoying my G&T (without the G) I read that it can get into your unborn baby’s urine while other posts said drink it to relieve bloating, safer to avoid if confused. Ginger Ale seems like the winner drink, its caffeine free and helps ease sickness. Cranberry juice is packed with hefty dose of vitamin C which is perfect, stick in a wine glass with sparkling water and you have rose wine DIY style. My sister gave me some great advice, ‘would you put that drink in a bottle and feed it to your baby?’ you definately don’t think that glass of wine cheat or glass of sugar pop is worth it now. I’ve probably been on a diet all my adult life but I’ve never thought more about what I’m putting into my body until now, I’m literally feeding a baby with my choices, its mind blowing.
It’s only been 5 days since I found out and the ups and downs in such a short amount of time its crazy. I have pure delight that my baby is growing inside me, then suddenly I think have I made this up, should I do more tests, I check my toilet paper every time I go, I’m scared to sneeze in case it pops out! I’m most happy when I feel sick as it’s a real feeling connected to morning sickness and if I don’t feel sick I doubt the whole pregnancy. Right now, it’s about the size of a poppy seed, you can’t help feeling what if it gets lost, you lose all sense of knowledge and I even panicked if I drink too much water could I flush it out, stupid I know. Sleeping is the worst, don’t know which side to sleep on, will it move or can I squash it, crazy thinking but I feel incredibly vulnerable and sensitive.
Christmas and NY is a long time to wait to see a doctor to confirm a plastic test I did in my loo. Although I’m surrounded by my amazing family I feel very alone and scared all heightened from being away from my husband. I see him tomorrow hopefully we can get an appointment with GP soon as possible. I need some reassurance, I need doubts cleared, I need to know my baby is healthy in there.
It’s the waiting game now, have so much waiting to do, first scan isn’t until your 12 weeks and I don’t even know how far gone I am. I must just carry on, eat well, drink well and stay clear of booze and hopefully all will be going well in my tummy and I grow a healthy happy baby.