He led her through the house to the large room at the back. Here, as usually, were flowers, a newspaper and
a single swaying bare bulb. The bulb had burnt out as he had flipped the switch.
"Oh, another good cop bad cop routine, dear? I swear, if you keep buying flowers at this rate, the florist is going to be able to buy a mansion!" She had too many ideas of what he might be about to interrogate her about, and this time she wasn't going to be tricked into confessing to things he didn't know about.
"That's right, dear. If you confess, you'll get the flowers. If you try to hide the truth, I'll find out anyways, and then you'll have to read all the depressing news in the newspaper aloud to me!" He laughed an evil laugh. There's nothing more tormenting to a nice person than having to read a newspaper aloud.
"Well, I haven't done anything wrong, dear, so there's nothing to confess."
"Oh? Are you shoe-er? Maybe you'd like to polish up your lie. Don't let your tongue get tied."
"You think I was shopping for a bespoke suit for you, dear? How preposterous!"
"Aha! I never said that, so you WERE shopping for a bespoke suit for me! But that, in and of itself isn't the end of it...."
Should one have forgotten or exhausted their supply of puns, there was a box of joke books sitting next to the light switch. He couldn't see it, though, because the bulb was burnt out.
"Where! Where were you shopping for a bespoke suit? Surely not a bicycle shop. Those are be-spokes suits. And not at Men's Warehouse, because that's too normal a place to shop for a suit. No. I think the suit you were shopping for was so I could be an ornament on your arm. Not a cop ornament."
"Yes, I was shopping at the lawn and ornder set. Your suit should be ready by Friday if no one dies in it first!"
"A threat! And you were shopping there, you confess! But again, that in and of itself isn't enough to send you away for good and/or make you read the paper or give you flowers. You'll have to confess to with whom you were shopping."
"No, you'll never get it from me, Mr. Piper."
"Oh, you'll tell me, Mrs. Piper, if it's the last thing you do."
"Wait, what?"
"Oh, it's just a saying, calm down."
he was drunk