Welcome Steemit to our 3rd Mindful Monday. Pull up your chair get comfortable and hopefully enjoy the musings for today.
This past week I found myself with a few challenges. The main one being an argument that wasn't an argument. If that makes any sense. Friday was so eventful at one point I had been fired. I had been accused of being rude, malicious and a 40 something man that is about 6ft tall and over 300 lbs looked me in the eye and said 'I'm afraid you are going to kill me.' My mouth hit the floor.
I had a mild demeanor all day. I was a little anxious, but it wasn't bad. I still don't understand how I thought I was calm and collected for 90% of my day there. My manager and I were having an off moment and miscommunicating. She told me stop giving her attitude and I wasn't. The owner who is the person I described, told me to calm down and walk away. I said I was fine, I wasn't upset (which I wasn't). I went to get my things and leave, since I had a doctor's appointment I had to get to. I got the 'Oh that's right just walk away'
I was working on another post about finding a mantra to help me focus on what is important. After reading a few posts today along with the conversations I have had. I can not seem to move past this. In a post or a comment I had made the comment of what we were told as kids 'sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will never hurt me.' I knew this before but it was reaffirmed by this situation. Words can do more harm than we were ever led to believe. Was this to be the litmus test of our lives? Was this when we learned or were supposed to learn how to take things so personally? All of these questions began running through my head. If this is the case how was I able to prevent the same cycles from happening to my children? Simple, I was determined to teach them how to define themselves. To look at the truth around them.
The only really negative thing either of my kids heard was my son. His step-mother and his father would tell him regularly that he would be dead or in jail by the time he was 19. This appalled me when I found out. There were quite a few phones calls because of this. I told them that they were trying to predetermine his life and self worth. That it was wrong of them to even put those thoughts in his head. It took a lot of patience and work, I was able 'neutralize' the damage. It's become a joke now. He's 25, he's getting married in January and just started a new job at a bank. Definitely not in jail and definitely not dead.
Any way, back to my point. I had been conditioned my most of my life. 'You aren't wanted. I wanted a boy not a girl.' 'You're fat.' 'You're ugly.' 'Buffalo Butt' 'Henrietta Hippo' 'Two-ton Tessie' to name just a few of the endearments used to define me to my face by all of my family. At this age... I was scrawny. At 9 yrs old I was lucky if I were 50 lbs wet.
So now, I'm told by someone larger than me in every way shape and form, the thought I was going to kill him. Where on earth or what on earth would possess someone to say something like that. It's no like I had approached him. The only thing I did is I went from calm to mom mad in 2 seconds. Should I have done it. No. I was tired of being told what I was. I was being victimized again and my instinct now is to stand up. I told him I wasn't mad, but if he wanted to see me mad, I would give him a glimpse. At that point, I walked to my desk picked up my stuff, clocked out. While he is yelling at me about locking him out of the system or blocking accounts. Nice to know where I stood. I had to leave and that was the only thing on my mind. I told him he could say what he wanted but, it's all lies and that he was out of line to make the comments that he did.
I still have my job, but I really don't want to go back. All I know is I watched my words to my kids. I tried to teach them better than I was taught and I have tried for most of my life to put this behind me. Yet, PTSD loves to rear its head and recreate scenarios where they aren't. What have I learned through all of this is watch how you talk to people. Words are powerful. You can lift someone up with just a word, but you can devastate them all the same. If you in the right place in your heart and your mind, all of this is really of no consequence. If you aren't try to bring yourself back to the moment realize what is going on before you act irrationally and do more harm than good. I know this is as far as what happened on Friday will go. The blame will rest with me because that is how this type of person is. I divorced my ex-husband who created the mess, I am not going to allow this one to treat me in the same manner.
I hope this helps someone, I know to talk about things, helps me. So, I'm a little crazy LOL. I am ok with that. I question everything and that is fine. I would hope you would question when someone constantly treats you in a negative fashion. Spread kindness, you never know what someone else is going through and your smile just might be enough to lift their day.
I apologize, for not having any features ready. As you can tell my mind was a bit preoccupied. I see what we can do to set that straight 😊
I hope everyone has seen the postings for our 1st Group Mediation. Mark your calendars, set your alarms 8pm GMT Wednesday May 1st. In the Meditation Hall on our Discord. (The link is below)
If you are not sure of what time that is for you here is a little help Time Zone Converter
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