Most people struggled with mental health problems at one point in their life, some still do. The problems can be anything, most frequently it’s depression or anxiety. Sometimes it’s overcome with therapy, sometimes with medication, sometimes just by powering through it - sometimes never really. But in the end, everyone just wants to feel better again, wants to escape the negative feelings and continue living a happy, or at least not an unhappy life.
In most cases, the solution is to make yourself feel better. But focusing only on yourself can have negative consequences for others. As I mentioned in my last ramble, it is sometimes important to ask who's negatively affected by your actions, even if they are to improve your mental health.
You're probably confused what I mean, how can improving your own emotional state hurt others?
It's a question of how you handle it. Do you disregard everyone else's emotions, feelings, and needs to ensure you're feeling better? Or do you try to find a balance between not hurting those around you and not hurting yourself?
The first approach might feel easier and requires a little bit less energy. After all, you don't have to keep other people's welfare in mind. But where does that leave you? If you're not incredibly lucky and surrounded by people with almost angelic patience, it will likely leave you alone and without any meaningful connections.
"Good", you might say. "People suck anyway. I'm much better off alone." But is that true? Do you never crave any affection? If the answer is "yes", you might be a psychopath. Nothing wrong with that, it's usually not something that's your fault. But most people aren't psychopaths, and there will be times when they need affection and people they can trust.
So, what's an example of improving one's own mental health, while harming others?
Other people have emotions and problems too. They can help you with yours, help you figure out ways to deal with them better. And that's great! But if you discard them as soon as they've served their purpose, you're treating them like objects, not like sentient, empathetic beings.
“Treat people as an end, and never as a means to an end”
- Immanuel Kant
Say you have a friend who struggles with something like depression. That friend, let's call them Sam and stick to gender-neutral pronouns, asks for your help. Together, you try to find ways for Sam to find a way out of the depression. You help set up therapist appointments and pick up their antidepressants when Sam is unable to go to the pharmacy themselves. Things improve for Sam, they begin to be more outgoing, meet new people, and don't call you anymore in the middle of the night.
You're happy for Sam.
One day, you're meeting with Sam in a bar to have a few drinks together. You haven't been feeling so good lately, it's been a rough few months and you really need a friend to talk. You think Sam would be the friend to turn to, after all, you've helped them through their worst times. But the moment you start telling Sam about how you feel, they stop you.
"I can't have your negativity around me", Sam says. "I don't really want to talk about your problems."
You're hurt, but drop the topic for now. Maybe Sam will want to discuss it with you another time. But over and over again, they brush you off and refuse to acknowledge that you're in pain too. Over the next few weeks, you drift apart, as Sam keeps canceling plans you made together.
When you confront them about it, they tell you that they just don't want to deal with your problems. Sure, you helped them with theirs, and they're happy about it and feeling better now, but they see no reason why they should help you with yours. You're responsible for yourself! Why do you expect them to be your crutch? That's not healthy. You should see a therapist and take strong medication, like, immediately!
This is just one example, there are others. People who tell you they love you, and then drop you the next day because suddenly the need that you fulfilled stopped being there. Friends that keep you around only for the times they want your support, never offering empathy themselves.
And I'm pretty sure you've done it too. I certainly have.
But no matter what is going on in your life, no matter why you don't feel so well, focusing only on yourself without considering the impact of your actions on those around you is not an ideal option.
What could Sam have done differently?
Of course, they don't need to be there 100% of the time, that's too much to ask. But showing a little empathy, even if it risks your own perfect day, ensures that your friends are doing well too.
None of us can go through this world alone, and it's important we're there for each other, and hold ourselves accountable for our actions.
"That's how it is, I can't change what happened, and I honestly don't have any specific feelings toward you that would justify putting energy into fixing my mistake" is not an acceptable statement. Nobody can change the past, but it's in our hands to create a better future.
If you hurt someone along the way of your journey to a better mental health, make sure to at least try and fix what happened. Don't discard those that care for you.
You might end up without anyone who gives a shit.
Rule number one: Don't treat people as things.