My neighbor at work is a super nice and kind hearted person. She's one of those rare people who has a very high sense of ethics and integrity, always carries through on her promises... and is always ready to lend a helping hand or an open ear.
She has lived here for many years, and when her name pops up in conversations around town, what comes out tends to be nothing but positive.
In short, what I would call a "good person."
The Darker Side of Kindness?
Close-up of a Camellia bloom
Sadly, she also seems to be almost like a "magnet" for a steady stream of chaos mongering losers, users and abusers... who seem to take her good nature for granted, while offering little to nothing in return.
Now I'm not suggesting that we should go through life with a "score sheet," pretending that kindness should only be issued when kindness can be expected in return. That's not my point here.
This is about people, and what attracts what.
Healthy Personal Boundaries
Now, I'll be the first to admit that having healthy personal boundaries is very important, or people will take advantage of you.
And my neighbor does have pretty good boundaries... she just seems to have disproportionately many people poking at them.
So I found myself wondering whether it is actually a "thing" that certain types of people hone in on those who have naturally kind and helpful dispositions.
If we're not Conscious, we tend to form Unhealthy Alliances: An Experiment
I remember reading about a social psychology experiment in which about a thousand people-- all strangers to each other-- were all invited to attend a "lecture" in a great hall/auditorium of some kind.
Lavender in the sun
After the hall filled up, an announcement was made that the keynote speaker was "delayed" and people were "invited" to pair up in teams as advance preparation for a particular exercise that would take place once the lecture began. Attendees were also told they could "take their time" because it would work best if they paired up with someone they felt like they would get along with.
After a (deliberately timed) 90 minute delay, the lecture began... eventually a questionnaire was circulated, which included "implanted" specific questions about personality and preferences.
What was revealed was a strong tendency for complete strangers to "pair up" according to their "dysfucntions:" People who self-identified as a "givers" paired with people showing characteristics of "takers," "assertive" people pairing up with people self-identifying as "timid" and so on.
The experiment suggested that the old "opposites attract" saying contains significant truth.
Are We Just Bad at Choosing People?
Getting back to my neighbor, it seems to me she's representative of many of us-- we may be fairly intelligent and well-meaning, and even have good boundaries and such... but we haven't done the deeper personal work to fully understand why we make the choices we do.
Apricot blossoms in spring
Specifically... we tend to make a lot of choices in which we mix up when something "feels familiar and comfortable" with something that's actually right and good for us... because we're still plugged into old habits that may not have worked for us.
I do believe my neighbor is essentially "OK," but she's also a little naive, in that part of her "kindness persona" includes that she just doesn't see other people as potentially wanting to take advantage of her. And that can end up working out to her detriment.
On a greater scale, however, it also seems that part of her predicament is the result of how others see her... those who (not necessarily maliciously) look for help and feel like others need to support them through life see a potential "target" in her. Which is probably natural. If you think about it... if you need your car repaired, your focus will be on mechanics, not carpenters.
What do YOU think? Do you know anyone who seems "too nice for their own good?" Does it seem like people take advantage of their kindness? Do you feel they make bad choices in people? Alternately, do YOU relate to my neighbor's story? Do you think kind and giving people are more likely to attract those who feel more "entitled," regardless of whether they have good boundaries, or not? Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!
(As per usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Posted 20170708 09:41 PDT