Sometimes, the most fulfilling marital sex is the sex you don't have with your spouse.
This is a typical conversation between me and my husband. (The names are fictitious.) :
Me: Hey Ben, do you have any plans for tonight?
Husband: No, not really, why?
Me: Is it okay if I go hang out at Sean's?
Husband: Sure. How long you going to be over there?
Me: I don't know, I'll probably just sleep over.
Husband: Okay, just text me and let me know. Have fun! I love you!
Me: I love you, too!
And then we kiss and I drive off.
My husband being supportive of me having sex with someone else is one of the most selfless acts that he could do for me. (Notice that I said "being supportive of" rather than "letting" me. That was intentional.) In our open relationship, we don't necessarily engage in "wife swapping," though we have recently been exploring that avenue of interest. Most of our extracurricular activities are separate. I like to think we're sticking it to societal norms by refusing the paradigm of marriage as ownership.
If you've been following this blog, you know that one of the themes I've been exploring is the power dynamics inherent in most sexual relationships. Thankfully, I've never come across a man who wasn't interested in pleasuring a woman, but a lot of times his ego is riding on the outcome; in other words, his sense of masculinity is predicated on how he performs in bed. Cautionary tales abound on the Internet of women feeling so pressured to come that it becomes physically impossible for them to do so. (See links below for more detailed discussions.) Personally, I've been reluctant to introduce men to my vibrator during casual sex -- not because I'm embarrassed by it, but because I feel that its presence might bring about a heightened expectation of orgasm that I can't guarantee will happen.
On the other hand, when my husband isn't the one having sex with me, I know for a fact that his desire for me to be sexually fulfilled is completely divorced from any self-interest. Moreover, I am continually moved by his utter lack of insecurity or jealousy. What is love but desire to see your partner happy, regardless of whether you directly caused that feeling; complete trust that your partner will come back to you, will not abandon your relationship for someone newer and shinier; and knowledge that they would do the same if the situation were reversed?
And if that's not reason enough to at least consider an open relationship, there's always the surplus sex that will come your way as a result!
