Book of Hennessis
After Gosh recovered from His massive cognac hangover from Last Thursday He immediately got baked for relaxation. It took Him several eons until He decided to get to work.
First thing He snapped into existence was the Universe and all the crap inside. Earth however was special. He decided to send His Son there afterwards for whatever reason, so He put life on it (including lolcatz).
Being a stoner it took Him almost a week to get it done, but on the 7th day Gosh realized what He had made was the Shiiit. So He smoked a massive blunt on a sunny day – Sunday.
It was so massive it gave Him the munchies, therefore He created the Garden of Feedin’. Basically a huge Gosh-sized fridge full of Applejuice’n’Fruitbaskets. And Gosh saw that it was awesome.
Inside that paradise for Stoners He created Mankind. He started off with Adam and Steve. Two douchebags with no jobs. In essence they were parasites in paradise, just like those particularly unemployed “friends” you have when you have access to tons of weed and they suddenly spent the whole day on your couch watching Cheech and Chong while your grass mysteriously disappears… you catch my drift.
Well Steve of course, being the woman in their heterosexual relationship, fucked up one day and took a bite from an Apple that was supposed to be turned into Applejuice. This event is now known as The Original Win. Because when Gosh became mad and threw those two fags out, civilization could finally take place…
…to be continued
…or not, depends.
Important information:
Although Gosh’s Word is infallible, it’s subject to sudden change without warning. But since you as a believing Crustian are not supposed to question Gosh’s authority, He can do whatever He desires.
Also: Since this is all made up, just like any other religion, you are free to write your own chapters. If Gosh deems them worthy and recognizes a hint of Awesomeness within, you have redeemed yourself from Eternal Darnation to Heck and will probably win in the lottery (probably not). Of course I will gladly promote it to our all Holy Amusement.
Stay crusty.