"People of conscience everywhere are finally waking up."
Hades, October 9 - The Prince of Darkness announced today that in solidarity with all the other institutions prohibiting citizens and representatives of the Jewish State from participating in or entering their programs or facilities, Gehenna, as well, will remain off-limits to such people until further notice.
The Devil made the announcement at a press conference Thursday morning, following reports that various athletic and cultural organizations in Europe and Canada had removed Israelis and Israeli delegations from various events such as music festivals, comedy tours, trade fairs, and bicycle races, under the pretext that violent threats had created a situation in which law enforcement "could not guarantee the safety" of Israeli participants.
"The genocide must end," declared Satan. "Only pressure on Israeli nationals will provide the necessary push to accomplish that - in addition to violence against Jews everywhere, of course. The carnage in Gaza must stop at once."
"Collective punishment is wrong," he emphasized.
Satan declined to take questions, leaving unresolved some possible complications of the new policy, such as the fate of Israelis already in Hell. A minion promised to pass along the inquiry to the His Darkness, but noted that the number of permanent Israeli residents of Hell has never been significant.
"We don't get them for very long, if they end up here at all," the demon acknowledged. "The system they follow operates according to different assumptions from everyone else's. Very little in the way of absolutes and 'eternal damnation' stuff. Also vanishingly few mass-murderers, rapists... this place has a way of putting the lie to a lot of propaganda. Did you know anti-Israel memes on social media aren't reliable sources of statistics?"
"Plenty of Islamists, though," he added.
Advocates for the Palestinian cause hailed the move. "People of conscience everywhere are finally waking up," stated Rania Khalek, an online activist who moonlights as an American journalist. "It's too bad it took sixty thousand Palestinian lives for us to get to this point."
"Excuse me, excuse me" she cleared her throat. "Those were last year's made-up figures. I have now been informed that the up-to-date talking points use a different invented number somewhere between three hundred thousand and seven hundred thousand Palestinians, most of them children. Of those, more than half were doctors, journalists, and humanitarian aid workers. Pregnant. Did I mention they were pregnant?"
Some cynical observers speculated that with the move, Satan seeks to virtue signal to his allies that he stands with them, but in fact the ban will have little effect in practice, as noted above, given the paucity of Jews relegated to Hell in the first place.
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