Relationships are hard… that’s what you hear everyone say. Maybe were just doing it the hard way?
The merging two lives into one seems like an odd idea to me now. But until recently I was running that fantasy in my head, to the point that I’d rather stay in an unhappy relationship just to cling to the possibility that it would right itself and we would continue down the road of family bliss.
A few months ago, when we were trying to figure what we can do to make this unhappy existence not so horrible, my partner said that an open relationship was the only way she could move forward and still be under the same roof. I agreed and even though I was quietly freaking out, I knew deep down that this felt right - happy relationship or unhappy relationship, an open relationship felt like the correct way to ‘be’.
And what happened next was a complete eye opener…
My very way of thinking of how the dynamics of a relationship should work crumbled before my eyes and what was beginning to emerge was an understanding of true love, acceptance and how the woman’s role in society had been diminished to such a low point that someone like myself, and many men out there, could just think (not even consciously – due to societies conditioning) that they can own a woman… now this is a pretty confronting idea.. but let them sit with you for a bit.. I’m not saying that YOU DID THIS.. I’m saying that society has conditioned generations and generations into believing that this was acceptable, it was right and ok to do. And this is broad. Mums conditioning Sons, Dads conditioning Daughters, Mums and Daughters and Dads and Sons – from the conditioning they received, they pass this way of thinking onto their children. Like a baton in a relay, it runs so deep – this is why people think there is no other option but to be single and take the stigma that goes with that – or raise the perfect family.
So, the open relationship idea. I call this an idea because I do need to stress that I believe you can gain a huge amount of benefit from actually just letting this sink in as a placebo. I can guarantee you that you will pay more attention to your partner, and yourself (your appearance, your manner, your presence) because I’d estimate that about 80% of all men in relationships would never have sex again if more power was given back to the Goddess. Nothing of course can beat the real thing though, even if it’s just a real conversation.
Let’s talk about sex first and the fact that it’s the first thing you thought of. Society has completely distorted the meaning of sex to a point that everyone wants it, but no one, especially women are allowed to enjoy it. It’s used in advertising to give you that quick rush to trick you into buying the product and it’s used in music for almost every genre. The very act and reason for sex is twisted up so badly and then sold back to us as a hollow shallow experience. It’s put before us like a god given right, but they then shame us for having those feelings.
So let’s say that your partner met someone and felt a deep connection with them.. why would you stop someone you supposedly love not act on that connection? We are only on this planet for a short amount of time and we need these connections to help us evolve spiritually, and I am not just talking about sex.. what if she just found another man that she had a strong connection with that could help heal some aspect of her life that you couldn’t, either through your actions that has led to mistrust, or maybe that you just weren’t meant to – it happened to me. If you don’t believe that you owned your partner or you had some sort of fear that they would never return because you may not have treated them as you should or, shock horror.. you are projecting your thoughts onto her because you think about fucking almost every porno blonde that passes you in the street. Or that you didn’t trust enough in your connection with each other that she would ‘return’ (I hated using that phrase – it’s like she’s a homing Pidgeon). I can tell you that your connection will increase ten-fold if you let these fears go. And not will she always return home, but she will actually want to.
Women, are the masters – they are the all, and I don’t mean in a dominating way, I mean in the most wonderful way. They are the creatress, they are the source. They are not to be caged animals, as I don’t believe men are to be caged animals either. I am not a slave to women, they are not above me or below me, as I do not believe in ranks between sexes – there is huge amount of strength to be gained in allowing this idea to sink in and then implement it in your life. Men are here to hold space for women, to allow them to do what comes naturally to them. We need to trust in their instincts and flow with them. The world we live in now would have been so different if women kept the power, but instead men saw women as a threat and started the wheels in motion that would lead to hundreds if not thousands of years of suffering. We react to OUR sexual thoughts and feelings about women by shaming THEM, by teaching society to treat them as second-rate citizens, as slaves, worthless and that their place is at home being mums… men just simply cannot handle women and the reaction is to supress them until the fire in their soul burns out and we can then control and dominate them.
My journey did not stop there, however. I had this epiphany but I was still stuck in my ways that I managed to fuck that up too by becoming too clingy and still not able to move forward with this new way of being.
I needed a bigger jolt – I was so stuck in my ways, so full of ego and fear that even though I felt the change in my mind happening that I could still slip back into that ownership state (plus many other states that I would usually slip back in to). We needed to be apart – the space required for my partner to even start healing had to be a complete break, and this was the very thing that my ego had feared for all these years. My ego had to be destroyed, by this stage in my life it was so large that it was all consuming, it went from horizon to horizon, there was not one part of me that was not controlled by ego and fear.
So, I let go.
I trusted that this is what had to happen. I claimed to love my partner but refused to do the very thing that would ultimately lead to her healing from not just the scars from our relationship but previous relationships – it was ego that was holding on to the fact that I was the one to do this for her. I stepped aside and allowed the flow to happen again and everything fell into place. I cannot properly explain how things have changed inside of me, my mind and spiritually, but I will give it a go: For all of my life, I have had a dark empty feeling inside me – and this is gone, in a matter of weeks! I can literally feel my very being filling with love. I am experiencing the feeling of unconditional love for the first time in my life, and it’s true and deep. I have always loved my partner, I have known this. But the personality I possess would lie and manipulate her (and anyone) to gain their love. There are no lies, there is no manipulation because there is no attachment to an outcome. Sure, I have ways I’d like this to turn out, I can admit that – but I am not consumed by trying to make this happen, to say that I simply do not care sounds wrong, but it’s the best way to describe the feeling. Every day I act in a loving way towards all beings because I need nothing from them. It’s an action that has no expectations. My ego is still there, it pops up every so often but I very quickly put it back in the corner. Imagine the freedom that came from changing my mindset to an open relationship – which still has its clauses and fine print, to one that still requires all the effort of a relationship as we still live under the same roof, but there is absolutely NO requirements for her to return anything. This how far down the rabbit hole I was, this is the amount of voltage I needed to bring me back to life, and do I wish this could have happened earlier? It’s not even up for discussion because everything is where it needs to be. I have never been able take my hands of the wheel like this, and it’s freeing, its healing and its wonderful. I care so deeply for this woman now that it transcends a normal relationship.
I hold no judgements towards her,
I hold no animosity towards her,
I don’t have any expectations placed on her.