One evening I was hanging out with my FWB (I'll call him Sean), several of his friends, and my husband Ben. One of Sean's newer acquaintances knew that Sean and I were casual sex partners but not that I was married to Ben. At some point I grabbed Ben's hands and leaned over to kiss him. The expression on the friend's face was priceless. He looked at me, then at Sean, then at Ben, and then at Sean again. We were all a bit tempted to let the charade go on, but Sean ended it quickly. "Yes, Ben knows that I fuck his wife, and he's fine with it." End of discussion.
This little anecdote, however amusing it is in hindsight, raises an important issue. Whom do we tell about our open relationships, and how much do we share?
What do we mean when we talk about "disclosure"?
A term that is thrown around quite a bit in the ethical non-monogamy subculture is "disclosure." There are two types. The first is when you are seeking to date and/or have sex with the person you are thinking of disclosing to. Dan Savage answered a question regarding this type of disclosure; you can read his advice here, as well as a gentle critique of his opinion(s) here. The second is a question of how forthcoming and honest to be about this particular lifestyle choice, and is what I'll be discussing in this post.
What are some important things to consider?
Regardless of the type of open relationship -- polyamory, swinging, casual sex, friends-with-benefits -- it's still a relationship. It's not all about what you want. As such, it's paramount to discuss how much disclosure your partner is comfortable with. Are they okay with being name-dropped in conversation? Do they mind being seen in public with you? Would they prefer to be referred to as a generic "friend"? Keep in mind that all these questions might have different answers depending on the context -- they might be open with their friends about the type of relationship they're involved in, but not with their family or at work.
Another essential factor is a person's job. In the U.S., the default is at-will employment. In other words, employers don't need a reason to fire you. Of course, there are some anti-discrimination measures in place, and some regions of the U.S. even include provisions against sexuality and gender identity discrimination. However, people in open relationships are not a protected class.
Personal considerations
Determining what to disclose to whom, and in what situations, depends on a number of personal factors. Personality plays a big role, so I've made a list of the relevant attributes I juggle on a daily basis:
- I value honesty above all other traits, especially in myself. As such, whenever I have to alter a story by withholding or fudging certain details, I feel like I'm betraying myself and what's important to me.
- I was brought up in a conservative household. I find it somewhat titillating to talk openly about sex and relationships. However, I have not been so bold as to talk about these things with my parents.
- I don't care much about my personal privacy. The only time I err on the side of privacy is out of consideration for my job (see above).
- I like to have in-depth discussions with people. Relationships are complicated and nuanced by nature, and open relationships are only more so. Moreover, I actually enjoy discussing open relationships with people who don't know much about them; it allows me to clarify my own ideas about the topic. Nevertheless, I distinctly recall several occasions where I shut down the discussion by implying that traditional monogamy is somehow a lesser option. (Helpful hint: It's not.)
- I sometimes have trouble determining what is "appropriate" to talk about in certain settings. As I mentioned earlier, I know not to bring up my open relationship and sexual proclivities with my parents. On the other hand, in more informal settings, the line is harder to draw.
Final thoughts
It's hard to summarize this post because I still haven't figured it all out. Nonetheless, I've slowly realized that in order to minimize "slip-ups" in disclosure, I've stuck to hanging out with people who tend to be open-minded about such topics. This also lessens any discomfort I might feel at lying either outright or by omission. Moreover, all the people I have sex with are actually my friends, so referring to them as such isn't much of a fib.
I would love to hear from people who've dealt with such disclosure issues, as well as people who have been on the receiving end of them. As always, leave a comment in the comments section!