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Everyone!
Hi!
Hello!
Actually not 100% sure where I am right now,
but at least I know who I am!
I'm my own worst enemy!
Better watch your back, me!!
Anyhow!
I was so confused today.
When I woke up, all of the clocks in my house were an hour ahead of all of the clocks on my phones and computers.
I had no idea what to do about this problem, so I just ran around screaming for a while.
And I continued screaming and running around for a couple hours until,
< KNOCK KNOCK >
Hello? Oh hi, Nameless Stranger Danger Neighbor.
Hey Brandt. I heard all the screaming, and so I just thought I’d come over and see what all the screaming was about. You okay?
No. All of the clocks in my house are an hour ahead of all of the clocks on my phones and computers. I have no idea what to do about this problem, so I thought I'd just run around screaming for a while.
Oh, I see. I get it now.
Yeah, I mean, I had no idea what to do about the problem, so, you know.
For sure, man, totally reasonable reaction on your part. Thing is, there's an easy fix to your problem here.
Yeah? Really?
Yeah. It’s Daylight Saving Time, man. You just forgot about Daylight Saving Time, that’s all.
Ohhh… oh my god, duh! You're right!
Here, let me help you reset all of the clocks in your house.
Dude, thanks so much! You're a lifesaver, Nameless Stranger Danger Neighbor!
No, I'm not, but try convincing Tinder of that. For some reason they think I’m a lifesaver even though as you know I’m an Elite Murder Technician.
Lol, seriously? Those idiots.
I know. But what am I supposed to do, run around and scream for a while?
Lol. Like that's ever gonna solve anyone's problems.
I know, right? Lol! And besides, I get a ton of likes for being an EMT.
Huh. Maybe I should try that, lol, since I get more or less zero likes, ever. Oh and thanks for your service, by the way.
Lol! You’re welcome.
Thanks and good night!
All right!
Let's keep barging recklessly along here to the next reason for everyone to run around screaming:
my blog, and the inconvenient truth that I'm actually planning to continue writing it!
Yes. It is very inconveniently true.
For we three Brandts have survived a second week of this garbage idea we dug out of the landfill called The Neverending Standup, and now it's time for us to attempt to survive a thir—
BOOOOOOOOOO!
BOOOOOOOO!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—
Shut up, Carl!
Nobody cares about you and your goddamn small-town shitty piece-of-shit inn slash saloon!
…
…
All right!!
For my own personal records, and for no other reason whatsoever, here are last week's stepping stones toward my inevitable slip off the cliff of reason and into the valley of insanity:
- Episode 5 — Sleeping With Madam Insomnia
- Episode 6 — To Ghost A Madman
- Episode 7 — Corrupting The Depressed Pegasus
- Episode 8 — Halloween Penis Lollipops
And now,
dunk me in blood and call me a madman, because
it's time for shoutouts!
This is the part of my #showcase-sunday where I talk about people besides we three Brandts. Specifically, people who are doing humorous things on Steemit who I haven't encountered before, and who could use a little more attention.
Today I'd like to talk about this people:
Earth To Planet is an online webcomic produced for the web online and created by Jody Zellman. It is a halfway decent webcomic. Don't believe me? Check out Stuck, Rinse and Repeat, and Spangled, and then come back here and tell me straight to my face that it isn't a bloody fucking great webcomic just like I told you it was. Jody has black hair and is right-handed, which, as we all know, are two of the top two most important skills every good humorist should have. He also has nearly 19,000 followers on Instagram, compared to a paltry 218 on Steemit. Uhh, what? Why doesn't Jody get more engagement here? Fuck Instagram! C'mon, 
…
…
Okay then!!
One final thing, before we get to my #showcase-sunday selection,
I’d like to take this opportunity to express my sincere gratitude to 
To show my appreciation, I hereby declare that you are now honorary lifetime members of my cult, The New Church of Brandt. Welcome to the fold! Here’s your chalice of human blood I’m going to trick you into thinking is actually just grape-flavored Tang! Bottoms up, baby!
I’m also going to extend an exclusive New Church of Brandt Dogfucker Membership to 
And now, for your reading displeasure,
my showcase for today, which you can blame on @NoNamesLeftToUse, as #Showcase-Sunday was his idea, not mine:
Warning: Do not follow me up where the devil don’t go, it will not be fun.
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C’mon, follow me up where the devil don’t go. It'll be fun!
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Come on, what are you waiting for?
Let's go up where the devil don't go.
Trust me, it's totally safe up here. You got nothing to worry about way up here with me — up here where the devil ain't!
Dyer Mountain. We're on Dyer Mountain.
Or, more accurately, we're somewhere on Dyer's southwest slopes, on our way to the summit.
Pretty much nobody ever takes this route up Dyer.
Partly because it's technically not really a route … but mostly because it's an almighty godforsaken scramble the likes of which not even the devil himself would attempt.
But hey, the view's nice, right?
Sure, it's a bit steep.
And the scree here is so loose that you slide down a foot for every two you climb.
But that's all part of the fun I promised you!
You are having fun, right?
Great! Because we're almost to the top!
See, I told you! Here we are on the ridgeline already, heading straight for the summit.
Yep, that's Dyer right ahead of us. And you see that peak over there on the right? That's Gemini.
Don't worry, the devil don't go there, neither. I know because I've scouted all through these parts. I've been out here all four seasons of the year, and the devil ain't never been on Gemini — I can certainly assure you of that.
Boom! Summit shot! WOOOOOOO!!!
Down there to the left you can see the ridge that connects Dyer to Gemini. That's actually the boundary between Park and Lake counties.
And all the way over to the right from Gemini you can see Sherman.
What you don't see is the devil, of course. Just like I told you!
He just doesn't come up here at all, ever.
Might as well take another summit shot while we're up here, right?
This time we're looking toward Leadville and all the way across the Arkansas River Valley. That's the Sawatch Range off in the distance.
Pretty cool, huh?
Well, it's freezing up here. Probably best to head down now.
Heading down into the Iowa Amphitheater.
This technically isn't a route, either. I just really like traveling off the beaten path.
You can see the Dyer-Gemini ridgeline again from here. And I think that's some kind of powerline structure thingy way over there.
Now swing a bit to the right, head down a bit more …
… and there it is!
You see that old shack down there? Yeah, right down there below us. You see it? That's where the devil lives.
It's cozy inside. Pretty classy, too. He just remodeled the master bath, and let me tell you, it is niiiiiice. Jacuzzi tub and everything!
Alright, well, time to get this over with. C'mon now, let's not keep the devil waiting.
What? No, I said follow me UP where the devil don't go. Down is where the devil fucking LIVES, man. I never said anything about not bumping into the devil on the way down.
Up. Down. Do you see the difference?
And do you have any idea how much the devil pays when I bring them alive? No, I guess you probably don't.
It's like, ten times what he pays for the corpses! I've been making bank for the past few weeks on idiots like you.
What? Dude, c'mon. Are you seriously not hearing the words coming out of my mouth right now?
You are the human sacrifice today.
Now let's get the hell down there and get you good and killed before the devil gets pissy with me, okay?
😈😈😈
LOL, you sure walked right into that one.
The end.
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Thanks for reading. This is the end. If you're interested in joining The New Church of Brandt, contact brandt#1284 on Discord and he'll help you get started.