[Radio Jingle Fades Out]
[Announcer's Voice]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the most inclusive, equitable, and downright politically correct soccer match you'll ever witness! I'm your host, Billie Quinn Harper on the WOKE FM: The Safe Space for Sports — my pronouns: [a pause as they shuffle papers]...uh...all of them — and today we've got a thrilling match lined up between Team Rainbow Harmony and Team Equal Unity!
Now, remember folks, this isn’t your regular soccer match. Oh no, the rules here are quite simple: the game must end in a draw. Anything less than total equality will be deemed — well, problematic!
[Crowd Noise]
The teams are already on the field, and person-oh-person do they look stunning in their eco-friendly, gender-neutral uniforms made from 100% recycled materials. We’ve got everything out there today, folks! Wheelchair-bound players, non-binary dribblers, and even a player participating via Zoom due to social anxiety!
[Whistle Blows]
And we're off! Team Rainbow Harmony's Captain, Alex Morgan — a nimble non-binary player who identifies as an empath – gently taps the ball to the center. But wait, Morgan shows too much enthusiasm! Ref, who identifies as 'Ref', blows the whistle. A 10-point deduction for excess motivation.
[Announcer Chuckles]
Ah, the spirit of equity! Any hint of excellence will be penalized faster than you can say “overachievement.”
[Crowd Gasp]
Oh, what's this? Lily Thompson, from Team Equal Unity — who is a visually impaired player with a love for interpretive dance — is making a move toward the goal. But Ref throws down the yellow card! Too much drive, Thompson! Minus five points! Here comes the physical penalty — Ref hands her a blindfold. In the DEI league, we don't just level the playing field — we dig a few holes in it!
[Sound of a Wheelchair Rolling]
Meanwhile, Jamie Parker, the wheelchair-bound striker for Rainbow Harmony, is expertly maneuvering toward the goal. But hold on! Ref’s flag is up again — too much agility in that chair! Parker will play with one wheel locked for the rest of the half.
[Announcer Laughs]
Anyone caught trying too hard will have to sit out the next round and reflect on their privilege!
[Crowd Cheers]
Now look at this, folks! Taylor Smith from Team Equal Unity has decided to take a nap in the middle of the field — a bold move! Ref nods in approval — that’s five points for showing a clear lack of effort.
[Announcer with a Dramatic Tone]
What’s this? Morgan has the ball again but seems conflicted. Should they pass? Should they shoot? Or should they... meditate on the ball's feelings? Ref gives a thumbs-up for the contemplative approach. We’re witnessing the essence of indecision here, folks, and it’s beautiful!
[Crowd Murmurs]
Oh, there’s the mime player — they've built an imaginary wall around the ball! Ref’s unsure how to handle this, but the mime's getting a round of applause for creativity.
[New Whistle]
Breaking news! Ref has declared that football is now too competitive. The teams will switch to interpretive dance for the remainder of the match! Look, they are already replacing the goalposts with yoga mattresses!
[Dance Music Fades In]
Look at those moves, folks! There’s Smith with an impressive kangaroo pose, then a 'wiggly worm' on the ground — Ref throws up 10 points for artistic interpretation! Thompson didn't really stand a chance there with her pirouettes, she clearly tried too hard!
[Crowd Applauds]
And there’s the final whistle! The score is... zero to zero. Everyone wins — or rather, no one loses — just how we like it here in the DEI league. A perfect, harmonious draw!
[Announcer Excitedly]
Congratulations to both teams for ensuring no one stood out too much! This has been a groundbreaking match. Until next time, I’m Billie Quinn Harper of WOKE FM, signing off!
[Crowd Cheers as Jingle Plays Out]
Remember folks, it’s not about the goals — it’s about the feelings!