I woke up feeling okay, forgiving of myself, somewhat regretful. Well, regretful. I didn't go overboard. I drank three 16oz Stone Lions at 8.2 % abv. I drank them within an hour and a half while watching Netflix. I passed out an hour later and slept easy.
I'd told my roommate that I don't want to drink. I'd told him not to join in with me if he sees me drinking. I put on the kitchen board a countdown of a year of not drinking starting at 365 days. I made it to 360 this time around. I'm going to make it a full year. After drinking, I decided to go into the kitchen for something to eat. I didn't want to run into him and feel the shame of going back on my proclamation. The apartment was dark. The door to his room was open and dark, the place was empty.
I started cooking something and my roommate seemingly materialized in the dining room talking about something. I was in shock. I was paranoid like I was stoned. I began to cough and ran to the bathroom, taking the long way to avoid passing him. I came back and he seemed to have picked up on it from my behavior and maybe flush face, etc. He said goodnight and excused himself as though running away. I made my meal, went back in my room, and passed out.
Last night my better self put up a fight. I had so many voices in my head that I thought I was going crazy. I imagined everyone who loved me, standing in front of me telling me not to do it as a I walked to the store. I two copies of me standing, walking backwards in front of me on the sidewalk, pleading with me, saying, "Just make it a few more hours. It's already 6 o'clock, you can do it. You'll feel so great and mighty tomorrow, you will have punched it in the face." It went on and on as I entered the store. I passed the beer section and got a free sample at the back. I went back to the beer section and stared at it, knowing what I was going to do. I began to select my choice. Something up brand maybe? There was a new variety of one of my preferred cheap brands. I put my hand on it but couldn't lift it. It was like there was a hypnotic chain on it. I let go and walked to the other side of the store. I told myself to walk out of the store but I didn't. I went back, I looked for the four pack of Old Rasputin but couldn't find it. An employee came by and asked if I needed help. He had no Idea.
I told him I was looking for the Rasputin's. He said they were a limited buy and wished he had a good equivalent suggestion. We talked about beer, I pretended I was talking normal and that a storm was not raging inside of me. He left, I chose the stone Lions.
I felt like I was doing something illegal as I purchased the beer. The cashier looked at the beer and wanted to talk about it with me, the flavor, it was a new one he hadn't had. He gave me an odd look once or twice like in a movie when the wanted man can't tell if he's being recognized or not. Paronia. I bought it walked home, and drank it.