Within every loss there is a new beginning. Its hard to see the world through a gods eye but everything happens for a reason and sometimes that reason is to feel that pain, maybe that reason was to spare pain. Who knows why people go when it seems to soon for them to leave us. I say we must embrace the bad things because a loss is a test of will and determination. If you fail to see it that way nobody would blame you. As you said you will never feel okay with this so why continue to hurt over it? its redundant to say because obviously you will (and you should) but you should not feel bad forever because a life is a life, and had it not been your son it would not hurt. He is free from this cruel world and the suffering he would have received. I know there are far worse things than death, i know you would give your life for him if you could but is that what he would want? Maybe all your mistakes can be redeemed. If you lay content with the pain you will have it but there is always an opportunity to grow. I am sorry for your lose but i dont think your son or your daughters want you to hurt and to protect them should be the lesson you learn from this. If it feels any better, however he died could have been mercy from a far more painful death later on in life. I wish you all the best and hope for your Growth and happiness. If there is a Heaven your son is doing well and waiting for you when you complete what you came here to do. You comment means the world to me and your choice to speak shows me a man of great character. You already know what has to be done, you knew the whole time and failed to do it and now you must and will make up for it. The most i can do is upvote back. Good luck Brother, i am with you