As I mentioned in my previous post, the weekend before last, I listened to yoga master Balakhilya das' session about overcoming anger and frustration. [On a sidenote - I later found out that the bhakti yoga, which Balakhilya das talks about, is found in Hinduism. This post is not promoting Hinduism, nor any other religion for that matter.]
Anyway, he asks
Is it possible?
Surprise, surprise - the answer is yes. In the session, he talks about how it's possible. Without revealing too much (in case some of you want to listen to it - it includes a mantra meditation at the beginning and end btw), he says that love and lust are the two forces that we have to deal with. Lust being the bad one, love being the good one.
A few years ago, I was living in Portugal and someone I knew back then, told me about these two wolves we all have inside of us. Or maybe he told me that after Portugal. Can't remember now. Anyway - one wolf is good, the other is bad.
Then, a few weeks ago, another one I know, told me the story of the wolves again. Issa sign, I thought.
When I grew up, I heard the story of the angel on one shoulder, the devil on the other. There it is again - one good, the other one bad.
Some of the tales/stories/etc mentioned above, include a balance between the two. Others include you having to choose which one you're going to feed. The session about overcoming anger and frustration focused on the latter part. Most of the things that he talked about, really made an impact on me. It gave me a whole other perspective on life. Now, I'm not saying that I took a 180 during that hour-long session. I'm still changing. And even though I'd previously thought the thoughts I'm going to mention below, this time I reallly thought them through. I mean, really. Can't emphasise this enough.
What if my first couple of years hadn't been during peace for a split second, then war for a whole year, then another year living in a refugee hotel? (yes, they placed us in a hotel in Norway) What if my entire childhood had been different?
Would I have been happier today? Would I have been flawless, free of regret?
What if?
The thing is, once you start on that 'what if'-trail, it's really hard to get of. 'What if's can lead you to places you don't want to be. Places you can get out of. Dark places. Miserable places. Wanting-to-sit-in-a-corner-all-day-crying-places. And then what? The thoughts in your head be running wild, on hamster wheels, in pointy heels - to emphasise how much these trails of thoughts can hurt. And why do that to yourself? The last, and most depressive thought on that trail, is 'why was I even born', and that could lead to devestating consequences. And your life is too precious for that.
Once more, I came to the conclusion that I have no way of knowing. Maybe I would have been happier, flawless in every way - or maybe I would have been worse off. Maybe I wouldn't have appreciated the birds chirping and delicious smell of coffee in the morning. Maybe I wouldn't have appreciated the fact that I have my health. Maybe I wouldn't have appreciated the roof above my head, the food in my kitchen, the clean tap water. Btw I lived in Latvia before moving to Portugal, and for about two months I drank the tap water - not knowing that there was a reason behind all those 5 l water bottles in the store. Common sense, you might think. But no, not in my case. That took years, decades to develop.
We are all dealt some cards at birth. Someone's dealt good cards, other bad, some worse than imaginable. Some make it out of the so-called slums, others stay up top from birth till death. Others rise and fall. Someone living on the streets are happier than others living in mansions. Some have a picture perfect life on social media, others are not that good friends with the camera. Some post everything, others post nothing. Enough examples. We are dealt certain cards, and we have to deal with them. We have to make the best out of them. No aces? No kings? Well, ok, then - but I'm blessed with [fill in the blank]. We all have something to be grateful and thankful for.
Another thought that popped up in my head, for the hundredth time (with a hint of inspiration from a post on another social media platform), was
What to do - dwell on the past or let it go and start over with all the experience and knowledge I have?
Again, no 180 was made. This will take time. Nothing's done over night. Except maybe a bad hair day.
A famous man once quoted some other famous guy and said
If you like a flower, you pluck it. If you love a flower, you water it every day.
The same can be applied to what was mentioned in the session I listened to. Love vs lust. If you love something or someone, you water it. You appreciate it, you're grateful for it, you nurish it, you listen to it, you self-care it. If you have lust for something or someone, you crave it, like addicts crave their dose of nicotine, alcohol, chewing gum, working out, taking selfies, etc. Don't get me wrong, taking selfies is fine by me (I don't like doing it, but I understand that others do), but whenever that threshold to addiction is stepped over, it doesn't matter what the 'drug' is. It can lead to disfunctional relationships (not just with people, but with things too).
I used to think that if my childhood had been different, everything would have been better. But would it tho? Would it? I placed all that power in the hands of something so unrealistic, that is - me changing my past. (I don't like the word power tho. I might have even mentioned it in a previous post. But still. It works in this setting.) I've done that to other things and people as well. Oh, if only I'd gotten a better grade, then I would've been happy. Oh, if only he'd love me, then I would've been happy (omg, lame. It's me, myself and I #powerfulqueen #Icanopenjarsbymyself)
Another thought
Why was I angry, and had been for a long period of time?
Because I wanted something that could never happen. A time machine to be picked up by me at the local post office.
An irrational thought. Unrealistic. But would've been sweet.
Another one
Was there any point in me arguing with my parents, in a way punishing them with my words for things they have no control over? Things that are long gone? Things that are irrelevant in the bigger picture?
No.
Another one
Is there a guarantee that my life would have been better if events X, Y, Z hadn't happened?
No. None whatsoever.
Then why do I keep making this angry wrinkle between my eyes?
Too often we get caught up in past events, that we of course can't change, and future 'what if's, with a negative twist. It can darken our minds, pollute our stomachs, spread to the people around us like the Ripple effect. And why? Because it's easier to live in the past, re-living past conversations, but ending them differently, than it is to face what's outside your front door? Because we feel safe in that familiar scenario? Because it's easier to blame this or that on events X, Y, Z?
As I wrote in another post - what if it all turns out for the better? If love and lust are the forces we have to choose from, then the choice should be simle, right? If we have these two wolves in front of us, we should feed the good one, right? I heard in a podcast once that our frontal lobes aren't fully developed until we're 25, men at 27-28. That kind of makes you an adult at that age. Of course, experience makes up for age, but that's another topic. Point is, you should know which wolf to feed by this age. Earlier as well, but if especially after this age.
If something bothers you, like cellulites, and you can do something about it, why haven't you started already?