Shocking tens of millions of people worldwide, meme mogul and presidential possibility Donald Trump has announced this morning that he is withdrawing from the presidential election in order to further expand his business enterprises by selling - among other things - ShamWows in online video commercials which are set to appear on Facebook and Youtube in less than two weeks' time. The press were of course shocked by Mr. Trump's announcement, which he went into his usual long-winded detail about at a press conference in Wyoming:
"President? Yes, I was going to be President, and no let me tell you I wasn't running -for- President, I *was* going to be President but listen, look at this, this is the new building block of America people. Watch, see this bottle of wine? That's Trump brand wine, very special, aged for years, billions of years people. Watch, pop the cork off. There we go. [Pours wine onto podium] Now look, look, watch, and listen to me and look at this, look how Red that is. You spill this on your carpet and it's not coming out. When you get Trump Red on the floor that's it, scrub all day and all night, that's not coming out. But watch what happens here - press the ShamWow down like this. You're not going to believe this. At first - you don't expect it, but watch this thing expanding faster than any of you thought possible. And bam. Lift it up - camera are you getting this? [Points at cameraman] Come over, come around here, you and [points at man with cellphone] you, come up here and get this. I want to see this on Twitter, facebook, reddit, post this everywhere people because you're going to need to see it to believe it. Watch now, peel it back. Gentle. Slow and gentle. Bam. Gone. Can you believe it folks?"
Though the announcement was met with a violent divide of both criticism from his followers and praise from his opponents, the general consensus seems to be that politics aside, the ShamWow really is an amazing product.
"I've been anti-Trump long before he put in his bid for Presidency. But when I watched his Wyoming press conference - I have to say, I was impressed." - [name removed at owner's request]
"Donald Trump has proven time and again that he is here to clean up our country, and President or not, that's exactly what he will do, and this proves that." - Bale Frankenberg, Trump Supporter
Some people are skeptical, however. Political analyst Dr. Dano Phosphate told one of our reporters in an anonymous interview:
"I don't deny the ShamWow is a great product. And I'm not saying Trump would have been a bad President, not necessarily. His campaign really surprised a lot of people, and I think this election will be studied by average citizens as well as analysts like me for decades, if not centuries. My skepticism though, is how easy it really is to get Trump's particular brand of Red off of the podium for good."
When asked about his motives behind the change, Mr. Trump had this to say in his closing of the Wyoming conference:
"ShamWow came to me, they came to me and said, [Donald] we need your help. See they wanted a spokesperson who isn't surrounded in controversy like their last guy, and they came to me with their tails between their legs and they asked me - they begged me - for help. And you all know what kind of guy I am. I'm the kind of guy - and believe me when I say this folks - I'm the kind of guy who when someone shows up, shows up and comes right up to me and asks me for help - well guess what people, I help them. And this right here, this is a special product. This is the kind of quality workmanship that this country needs right now, and me and my team here, we can all see that. We can see it as plain as the noses on our face. Oh and by the way, believe me, since picking this thing up - my houses have never been cleaner. Thank you all."
Vince the original ShamWow guy was unavailable for comment, but has since been spotted sporting a MAGA baseball cap.
-IBS News