Saturday morning I had a sword choreography competition, Bio Hyung.
I practiced as much as I could with the time that I had. I practiced the moves, the stances, the precisions. I was ready.
Saturday morning arrived, I was feeling pretty good. Made sure I had a good breakfast in me. I replayed the choreography in my mind while I was on my way to the dojo. I had a good feeling that I was going to do good.
Upon arrival, I got changed into my doh buk (suit) and saw others were already practicing. It takes a lot of room, so I decided to leave the space to those already practicing and keep replaying the moves in my mind while being watchful of others for little pointers I may have missed out on.
Time was flying by, it was already time to start the session. We did our salutes, bowed to our degreed black belts and waited for the preparations to be done.
I started getting nervous. Seeing all the qualified people there, ready to present what they can do.
The competition was to go against the same colored belts. A friendly competition. We were to go up to the judges, salut them and start. Nothing complicated.
I was 3rd to go. The first person did good. She was nervous but she made it. She was courageous. The 2nd person was also nervous. He was so nervous that he got confused and lost himself where he forgot to do the closing of his choreography. Then it was my turn.
I was breathing hard, deep breaths, trying to keep calm. I was shaking inside, heat from inside me engulfed my entire body. Exhaling slow, I could hear the shaking in my breath. I was trying to center myself, it was so hard to do.
All eyes on me, I walk to the center of the floor. Judges watching me, expecting me to do good. Sword in hand I take my place. Shaking more, I feel weak. Don't drop the sword, don't drop the sword! I tell myself repeatedly. Ok gotta start this.
I salute the judges "Kuk Sool!" I bow and position myself to start. 2 movements with a rotation of the sword, I move down on the floor to take my sword out of its sheath and strike "HIYA!". I stand with both hands on my sword, move forward and strike again, then to the right, strike, to the left strike. Strike to the hip, to the knees and then to the ankles. Stand up. Guard my back... I got this. Im still shaking but I got this. Rotate the sword, then wipe the blade as though there was blood, body extended. I can't move.
I froze. My body wont move. Everyone is still looking at me, the judges, the competitors. I cant find my placing, my head draws a blank. I feel like I turned white. Cold and hot at the same time. Embarrassed, I wanted to cry. I felt like a disappointment to my teachers, to myself, to the honor of my sword.
Ji-doh Kwahn Jahng Nim (master) tries to give me a hint. Kind of him but I didn't want the hint. I knew what I had to do but I was stuck. I am better than this. The other judge's told me where to place my foot for the next move.
The show must go on. I moved my foot, changed direction striked again and followed all my moves thereafter. Everything felt blank, my movements felt fake, I must have forgotten some or striked the wrong way. The rest was all a blur.
I finished my choreography, on the floor, positioning my sword to place it back in its sheath, let it fall into it saying "Kuk Sool" at the same time, my head bowed for the finishing salut. I stood up, walked backwards to leave the floor. Never show your back to the judges.
I wanted to hide. Even off the floor my hands still shook. I failed. I lost. Why did I even enter the competition? Even though I felt ready, I felt prepared, it wasn't enough. Discouraged and disappointment. I felt ill.
The remaining competitors did their movements beautifully. I was happy for them. What courage they proved to have!
The winners were announced and applauded for their work. Great job everyone! Proud of them all. They were awarded with hand made sword stands, made by our master himself.
Towards the end Ji-doh Kwahn Jahng Nim came to speak with me. I apologized to him for the show i gave. He told me there was no need to apologize. He has been through the same emotions before. And he told me, you did not fail. See in battle you have to face the fire. When you are attacked you have to be brave enough to defend and fight back. This is the first step in facing your fears. You took the challenge, you went up there, you faced your fears and you finished your battle. You conquered.
With thought, he was right. The competition had a hidden motive. It's soul purpose was not meant to compete but was to overcome. I lost the competition but I did not lose the fight.
I walked out of the building, my head held high, filled with achievement and feeling more courageous. My trophy is to still have my sword in hand. I will still keep practicing and will face the fire again. In every great warrior is the knowledge behind the eyes, the belief that he/she can conquer all with first conquering the fears.