Welcome to the beginning story of why I lost weight. I've lost many pounds over the past 6 months and it has not been grueling, horrible, cranky, or depriving. How I lost weight is another post, but, over the next couple of days I wanted to share the big why, in hopes of lending a hand to someone else in the same pit I was in. I wish I could pull others out, but I can only offer the same rope that I used. I'll be writing this series of my entire journey - I have nothing to lose (no pun intended) in sharing my story. Here goes part one:
First, it was no mystery that I had gained weight; after all, my largest "fat clothes" no longer fit, my energy was pretty much survival mode only, and I was turning into a cranky person. My boobs were constantly in my way, and when I sat in the car I was starting to feel stuffed into my seat belt. Blah.
The scale was completely avoided and, frankly, I was afraid to know what it read. So... I hid the nagging scale under a dresser so I wouldn't have to look at it.
It wouldn't have been that bad if my frame was large, and built to be large. I see happy large people every day that look and feel great. That was not me, though. Not only did I know "the other side," but I am not made to be a large person. I'm 5'2" and being fat was not only hard on my outlook, but it was destroying my body. I didn't even recognize myself and it was even worse when others didn't appear to recognize me, either. Maybe I'm being really dramatic there. I don't think anyone didn't recognize me, but I was definitely getting looks like, "What the hell happened to you?"
With the gradual weight gain, I had developed shoulder pain, neck pain, rib pain and inflammation. Let me stop at the rib pain for a moment because that alone was excruciating and debilitating. I went to a doctor and he said that what I was experiencing was actually a body migraine. I had never heard of such a thing, but there was literally nothing I could do when my ribs flared up. No amount of pain relievers, hot pads, cold pads - nothing - would help. At first it started happening every now and then (not sure what brought them on), but then they became more frequent and they would last up to 3 days at a time. All I could do was sit on the couch. Not cool, and no way to live.
In addition to the pain, I noticed my skin was not radiant like it used to be. It was dull and very pale. Eyes were not sparkly. Walking any distance was a real breath-catching experience, complete with a bright red face.
The only thing worse than going through a day fat was going through a HOT day fat. The thought of another summer horrified me. It was so embarrassing being hot and bathing in my own sweat. Ugh. Gross.
The physical ailments were awful by themselves, but there were mental ailments happening, too. Not only had I lost my physical edge, but I felt like I had lost my edge on life. The day I realized I was a fat person was not a good day. I know there is more to me than my body weight - there was still a bubbly personality inside ready to laugh at jokes, dirty dance, and be the fun person everyone loves to be around. When a fun song would play, I would wiggle my hips and dance sexy toward my husband… it did not have the same effect it used to. Ouch. He is a great guy, don't get me wrong. It just didn't have the same effect which is a horrid feeling.
I found myself withdrawing from social events, especially when it included someone I hadn't seen in awhile, or someone who was physically active and fit. I hated to be around my husband's co-workers because, even though I know he still loved me, I felt like an embarrassment.
I was seriously afraid and had never been to the depths of seeing my health and life dissipate before. My husband was also afraid for me.
One would think that this is why I decided to lose weight, that this would be my motivation. It is to a point, but it's not what carried me through the first step. After all, I knew it was happening as the weight slowly crept on. I guess I just didn't realize how dangerous it really is if left out-of-check. The aches and pains, the reflection in the mirror, the hot summer days looming in the horizon were not enough for me to take the first step.
"The Big Realization" will be in part two, coming soon.