For several months now misery has been telling me how much she loves my company and really wants us to take things to the next level, and for more or less the exact same number of months give or take a few moments of weakness here and there I’ve been telling her that I’m flattered thanks but unfortunately not available for anything serious at this time. After a long string of initially promising but ultimately disastrous relationships with the likes of despair, fear, doubt, god, optimism, et aliae I think I've finally learned my lesson. I'm just happier by myself, you see, and I'd really rather not have to bother with thinking too much about committing to things like love and life and happiness, and anyway for what it's worth I suspect that death would be a much better bedfellow than all of the aforementioned regardless of whether you're just looking for fun or actually want an LTR. The other day I was talking with one of the few people who still consider themselves my friends despite the fact that it's common knowledge I'm highly accomplished in the dark art of burning bridges in broad daylight, and most of our conversation involved me trying to convince her that no I wasn't joking when I said I hate people because yes I really do hate people. We eventually arrived at a point in the discussion where she feigned to acknowledge my all-consuming disdain for every member of the human race and then she hit me kind of right out of left field with the following question:
"If you really hate everyone and everything so much, then is there anything that would actually make you happy?"
To be fair I suppose that's not an unfair question for the sort of person who likes to align with society, and if it wasn't for the affair I'm currently having with substance abuse I'm fairly certain I would've been able to offer an acceptably fair-weather response to her, but the truth is that beer is a demanding mistress and apparently the two of us passed out on the couch together right in the middle of me trying and failing to provide said answer to said friend. Tthe next day when I once again surprised myself by actually waking up again the beer was gone as per our usual agreement and there was a note from my friend on the endtable that said I should please give her a call when I came to, so I immediately got up off the couch and went over to the telephone and made a note of her note on the to-do list I've got taped to the wall next to the telephone because I've got way more important things to do right now than calling one of my only remaining friends to let her know I'm still alive, such as writing out this quick little bullet list of things that would actually make me happy in light of my hating everyone and everything as previously established:
- One (1) small fully furnished and soundproofed log cabin fitted with propane, solar, well, refrigeration, satellite internet, shower/tub, and composting toilet/bidet;
- Ten thousand (10,000) acres of private Colorado Rocky Mountain property entirely landlocked by National Forest and wilderness areas upon which to place said cabin;
- One (1) continuous 100' wide x 100' deep dry moat filled with briar patches, razor wire, and land mines encircling said property;
- Two (2) continuous 50' high x 25' thick stone walls coinciding with the inner and outer banks of said moat;
- Two (2) Bluetooth-enabled iron gates;
- One (1) Bluetooth-enabled iron drawbridge;
- One (1) very rough and narrow 4WD dirt access road with switchbacks and choke points that increase exponentially per mile as said road approaches said property;
- One (1) fully spec'd and armored blue Toyota Land Cruiser with plasma cannon;
- One (1) Beretta 1301 tactical shotgun with unlimited shells;
- One (1) quaint mountain town about an hour downvalley with grocery store, coffee shop, liquor store, and a variety of very attractive vices and follies always available for casual encounters at said cabin;
- One (1) good dog;
- At least nine (9) extra lives;
- Ten (10) bucks says ninety-five (95) percent of people who upvoted this content didn't read it, and;
- A one-million (1,000,000) dollar advance from Penguin or equivalent book publisher for writing the next NYT bestselling memoir.
That's really about it. I'm sure you probably noticed I made no mention of zipline, ski lift, or helicopter in the above list, but that's not an error of omission on my part, as I'm a simple man and quite simply have no interest in or time for such frivolities. I think you'd have to be pretty fucking miserable to include anything like that on your list of things that would actually make you happy.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
⛰ 🏕 📚 🔫 🖤
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
4-6-22. One (1) rejection letter from Penguin or equivalent book publisher.