I have always thought of myself as a "go-getter." If I want something to happen, I have to make it happen, and if I don't I will miss out on an opportunity. I also had a belief that if I wanted something good, I would have to work really really hard to get it. I've spent the first thirty-plus years of my life trying to get what I want by pushing and grasping, grasping and pushing.
In my yoga studio, there is a Rumi quote on a sign that says, "What you seek is seeking you." I have used this to remind myself that what I want also wants me, yet I have encountered road block after road block, which develops into frustration and desperation. After three years of owning my quaint yoga studio downtown, I decided that it was time to make more profits. I was tired of barely being able to pay my bills every month. So I jumped on an opportunity to lease a 4500 square foot high-end retain space. In the negotiations of the lease, another potential lessee came in and the landlord was going to choose them due to the fact that they already had a salon and spa in operation. This make me fight even harder for the space--I HAD to have it, because my belief was that anything that is worth anything takes hard work to have. I bothered the landlord enough, and made the acquisition of the space my priority, so he finally arranged the lease signing with me.
One year later, the doors closed. Even though I had received a grant from our City to remodel the space, I couldn't keep up with the financial obligations of the high monthly rent and utilities. What I had pushed so hard to have, ended up crumbling. Not only did I not profit, I went into a very deep hole of debt.
It humbled me tremendously. I moved all of my equipment and retail out of the space, sold it for pennies on the dollar, and went back to my little low-profit studio with my tail between my legs. I was crushed because my belief system had failed me--God had failed me, I thought. Depression sunk in and I scrambled to find a way to pay off my debt and my back-rent that I couldn't afford to pay when I was in the space.
I had gotten to the point of complete mental and monetary exhaustion and finally became complacent. I stopped looking so far into the future and just tried to make it through the moment. Little by little, the sun came back out and I was able to find joy in what I was doing. I developed new programs in my little yoga studio that slowly developed profit, and I was able to pay off my debt with the landlord and chip away at my credit card debt.
You see, at the time, I was so focused on pushing and fighting to get what I wanted. I became blind to what I needed to do, which was focus on the present moment. My belief that all good things come from working hard forced situations to happen that caused me to take several steps backward financially. It would be easy for me to see this scenario as a foolish or stupid mistake, yet the value of the lessons I learned are priceless. I tend to learn the hard way.
I have now come to a place with some debt left to pay, but FAR less. The Universe has shown me that my belief that all good things come from working hard is often false. What I have realized is that, yes, what I was seeking was seeking me. I was seeking wisdom. Wisdom found me through a very difficult scenario, but none-the-less, it found me. In turn, I have found that the right scenario will find me in its own Divine timing, after the wisdom has been learned and a deeper level of understanding has been found.
There is a process of discovering your true passion and desires. The process takes time in this life. I've learned that what I seek truly is seeking me, but will not come until I've learned what I need to know. When we are ready, what we are seeking comes with ease. Roadblocks are a form of the Universe asking us to check on the true foundation of our desires. Why do we seek what we're seeking? That second giant location was a product of my belief that in order to succeed I had to work hard and make big profits. But my true desires have always resounded in the yearning for peace and wisdom. That space only gave me one of those desires, which was wisdom the hard way. Peace was nowhere to be found.
In this current moment, I am resonating on the fact that I do have two very strong desires that have held on for many years now. They truly are seeking me as I seek them. But I don't have to break myself to make them happen. I can still find a place of peace and ease to bring them into manifestation. If they are meant to be, they will happen easily and joyfully.
The first desire that continues to show itself is the yearning to manifest yet another space to share yoga. Where does this desire come from? It comes primarily from the place that I believe I have something very valuable to share with others...the authenticity of the yoga practice. The studio that I have now has done exactly this, but is in a location that many people are not willing to travel to. This desire is coming from the guidance to reach out and expand the mission of my yoga business. The Universe taught me that my past desire to acquire another space was rooted in money and profits, not an authentic truth that I yearn to share. Now that I have fully understood my authentic desire, the process of finding and opening another space is coming with ease. The landlord is easy to work with and the process is almost happening by itself.
The second desire that is always present is the yearning to live in the country and to be surrounded by nature. I know this comes from my deepest desires to grow roots of peace in my home. I didn't have a lot of peace or foundation in my home growing up. As I move from day to day, this desire has manifested into a passion for nature and for animals. While I have been looking at properties, I do not push or force, even though I recognize that my ego wants to. I allow the amazing abundance that the Universe yearns to give me to manifest. I recognize roadblocks and I understand how the Universe guides me with ease to what is meant to come to me. I have always heard of the concept that things that are meant to be will feel like I'm coming home. I never knew what this meant because I didn't have a physical concept of what home felt like.
Coming home is the knowing and understanding that I am guided and co-creating with what created me. It's a place of complete trust, without the need to force, fight, or push. It's a place of ease and joy.