Copied from Day 62- Fearing Sleeping
Today there was a moment where I could see that what I was on my way to do wasn't what was best for me, but I continued on to do the thing I had set out to do anyway. I can see that the original thought to do the thing was tied to a habitual behavioral pattern that is not best for all, but I interpreted the self-honesty to stop/change what I was doing as "intrusive".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the budding expression of self-honesty as intrusive because it apparently contradicted my previous thought that I wanted to do the thing I was on my way doing.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to not realize that experiencing the self-honesty impulse to STOP is actually my self-expression trying to "poke through" whereas the original thought to do the thing was a) aligned with a habit that is b) not best for all and my suppression of STOPPING in that moment was actually me as the mind wanting to "cling" to my unconscious behavioral pattern of taking caffeine at night when it will affect my sleep and through off my rhythm making it difficult to participate normally during the day.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this thought is an extension of my mind and not what is best for all/self in a moment
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that the thought "it's too early to sleep, I should go get a diet Coke" is not as innocent as it seems- as it happened in the evening and has had repercussions lasting into the early morning in terms of me not being able to sleep. The seemingly INNOCENT enjoyment of a coke that late in my day/evening has consequences lasting for the 12 hour half-life of caffeine. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the very thought of not wanting to sleep is = avoiding a negative.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sleeping too early in the night as negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that defining sleeping too early in the night as negative implies that I fear waking up too early.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up 'too early'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing waking up 'too early' implies that I believe I will have nothing to do if I wake up early in the morning when nothing is apparently going on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have nothing to do early in the morning- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding there are plenty of activities I can do early in the morning.
When and as I see myself go into the experience of tiredness and then react to that within 'it is too early/late to sleep', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that I must check in with myself during such times and listen to my body- if it needs sleep and I can afford to get some rest, then I can let my body rest.
When and as I see myself react to sleepiness within 'I should get some caffeine, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there are certain situations where taking caffeine will/could/might affect my ability to sleep during 'normal sleeping hours' lol, and so I can/should take that into consideration when considering taking caffeine to fend of tiredness.
When and as I see myself fearing sleeping in case I should 'wake up too early', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that 'waking up too early' is/has been defined by me through my mind and, as long as I am getting the proper amount of sleep, there is always something I can do/be doing, regardless of the 'time' I might have to do it.
I commit myself to let my body sleep when/if it needs to sleep
I commit myself to consider the time of day when considering taking caffeine; if it's too late and I don't want to be up late, I commit myself to not partake of caffeine
I commit myself to realign my relationship with activities/tasks to being effective/productive and not define my willingness/appropriateness of doing the task by the time of day.
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