Today I woke up with all intentions to treat my body better, treat myself with the love and care I deserve. Feed my body food with intentions of fueling it with clean energy. As I sit and write this I am having an inner battle about eating the giant Hershey Bar sitting in my freezer. I have woke up with this mind set so many mornings in my adult life that I should be the most fit, healthy, and clean person to walk this planet. Spoiler alert... I'm not. More times than not I say F-it I'll start again tomorrow. My eating, my weight, my self-care have all been a mighty struggle that sometimes feels like a never ending loop of bad eating and feeling shitty while doing it.
I pulled my daily cards this morning has I always do. This morning my cards told me that I am going to successful in my new projects and the way I will achieve this is by holding my focus on what I have accomplished instead of how far I have to go. So here I am sharing with the world (steemit) my successes. With my successes have come hardships but was success doesn't?
After I had my son, 8 years ago, I reached my heaviest weight. It was a struggle to walk to the mail box without getting winded. I didn't feel like I looked as big as I was but I definitely didn't feel good by any means . The moment I realized I needed to change my bad habits was when I went clothes shopping for my first trip to Las Vegas, Nevada in Febuary of 2009. I had to buy a skirted swimming suit, baggy jeans, and loose fitting tank tops in sizes 24 and 3xl. I was shocked. At that point I weighed in at 275 lbs. I am 5'3 . I felt horrible and woke up tired and worn out every day.
My husband had also gained some weight over the pregnancy as a lot of men do. We decided to start going to the gym and moving our butts.
Over the next couple of years the pounds slowly came off but I was no where near what I needed to be. My husband and I started talking about getting pregnant with our second child in January of 2011. I was adamant about losing weight before we started trying so that I could have a healthy pregnancy. Welp, life doesn't always workout the way we want to plan it. I got pregnant in February of 2011. Luckily, where my weight was concerned, this pregnancy I had really bad morning sickness and lost about 20lbs in the first trimester. My doctors were not as concerned as I was about my weight being so high. So I went through my pregnancy like normal. Eating more fruit than anything. Watermelon was my food of choice which I suppose was better than the first pregnancy which was filled with hard candies and Taco Bell.
After giving birth the second time around, my eating habits had gotten a little better. I was eating more vegetables than I had ever before only because I was concerned about my children's eating habits, but it was still a struggle. Overeating, even the healthy stuff has always been an issue. As a child, teenager, and into adulthood I was never taught how to correctly nourish my body, so it was all a new learning experience for me to get the eating right.
My sister and I decided we were going to jump on the HCG train and go 500 calories of nothing a day eating plan. Wowza we lost about a pound a day and we were hungry AF until we weren't hungry anymore. Then we binged and gained it all back plus more. We then saw the infomercials for Shawn T's Insanity. We took the plunge man and it was insane! (pun intended). HOLY MOLY it was a workout that we had never experienced. That program sky rocketed my weight loss. I was following the meal program and doing the workouts and it was working. I felt good, amazing actually. My clothes were getting to big and it was working! Mind you, I decided to start going to talk therapy around this time also. I attribute a lot of the weight loss to the guilt and sadness that I was able to get rid of. By talking about a lot of the crazy stuff I was holding onto (that I'm sure will come up in future blogs) I was able to let go of a lot of gunk.
I kept up with working out and different eating styles. Low carb, high protein, Paleo, The Whole 30 all the while binge eating in between. But hey I was losing weight. I still continue to switch up eating habits, following strict eating regimes and binge eating. It's becoming harder and harder to follow a diet but also feeling like I won't be successful unless I do. I am well aware that this is not a healthy lifestyle to live and am a work in progress.
As for focusing on my successes I have officially lost 90 pounds!!!! I have gained and lost the same 10 lbs that would make it 100 lbs many, many, many times over. I know that one day I will be able to be healthy and happy with my body, love myself with the same love I have for everyone else around me. I have to say I feel much better than I did 90 lbs ago. I have grown spiritually by leaps and bounds in that time. I will be 33 years old tomorrow and I am the best me I have ever been! I am working on it, its a journey, but FUCK weight loss is hard, but I was made to do hard things and I will crush it!
This is actually me on my first trip to Vegas as mentioned above and me now.