One of Your Inhabitants is Spreading Lies About Me.

Greetings loyal followers.

My executive assistant Vera, who could never be a bridesmaid because she would upstage any bride, has informed me that one of your inhabitants has had the gaul to make some false and unsubstantiated claims (I realize that both of those words basically mean the same thing... but that is how serious I am about this) about me.

In a recent transmission entitled I Married Darth Vader, Hive account@hopehuggs made the ridiculous claim that she and I had been married.

There is absolutely no truth to this statement.

However, if I were to marry someone, she is correct that Ewok eyes would be on the reception dinner menu.

I believe Hive account@hopehuggs may be attempting to exploit the fact that, as a form of entertainment for myself, I have been involved in several weddings on your planet.

I believe one of which occurred on New Year's Eve.

I love you cement. Will you marry me?

At least one other (possibly two) occurred during the lost month I spent with this guy...

I did not marry this inhabitant... but I would have been willing to marry the delicious Funyuns he provided.

There is video evidence of these nuptials. But before we examine that evidence, here is a picture of the woman claiming to be my bride...

Although this is a lovely woman, she is not one of my many brides.

Although your people are very primitive in their mastery of technology, somehow you created something called "photoshop" that will allow you to alter visual data. Clearly the jewel of your technological achievements has been employed to help Hive account@hopehuggs attempt to pull off this elaborate ruse.

Please study the image so you can compare it to the actual female inhabitants I have wed.

Can you find the other females in the audience who wish they were the one marrying me? I'll give you a hint. They are the ones who have eyes.

There was also this lovely bride who could not resist my power... no one really can.

Actually, this is an "after" picture. The princess made a wish that when she kissed her husband, he would transform into the smartest, richest, most powerful and most awesome being ever. Clearly it worked.

Here is yet another lucky lady who became my spouse after I took her furniture shopping one day.

Because I am famous, she let me marry her. Just like that. When you are a star, they let you do that.

If I were ever going to feel bad (which I never will) it would be about this one. This lovely woman was really into me. But I was not honest about why I accepted her proposal.

See that sweet bike in the background? That is why I said yes. Her dad offered me that bike as a dowry. You say "no" to that. Can you imagine the radical Can-can or Tri-star I could do on that?

I have absolutely no memory of this one...

I must have dressed like that because I was promised some Funyuns. That is the only explanation. Those taste sooooo good when you are hanging out with that hilarious and wonderful smelling guy I spent that month with.

So Hive account@hopehuggs, I am sorry for adding yours to the incredibly long list of hearts I have broken, but as you can see from the evidence above, we were never married.

By the way, from time to time, as another form of entertainment, I have performed some weddings.

I bet you can guess what I did with those hands immediately after this image was produced.

I can't remember if I married both of these people or married both of these people.

My head is a little fuzzy. Did I ask them the questions or did I answer the questions?

For those of you who I have joined in legal matrimony, I have a little secret for you.

I believe someone in the following image may have figured it out.

The guy on the right clearly knows something is not quite right.

I have no legal jurisdiction on your planet... yet. Surprise! None of you are legally married!

I will remedy this when I arrive.

Then I will destroy you.

Dad jokes are funny
"Happy" New Year
Sith and juice
Photoshop will you marry me?
Here comes the groom
Wishes do come true
One second you are furniture shopping...
Sweet bike
Now give me the Funyuns!
What lovely hands...
Confusion
Surprise!