Greetings loyal followers.

I have a question for all of you.

What the farkle is this disgusting piece of trash?

Those scumbag Rebels simply won't give up. They continuously put their sick agenda over Imperial security. Their dedication to spreading fake news is second only to their dedication to kissing their sisters. This latest example is by far one of their worst attempts yet.

First of all, they are clearly putting words in both my and my stupid boss's mouths. Normally I would never defend the actions of my incompetent and putrid "master", but even he isn't stupid enough to say the things those scumbags claim in this phony transmission.

This is what that old sack of puss would really be saying.

Let's take a look at this disgusting fake transmission. That isn't even my freaking voice! Well at least after the 26 second mark it isn't my voice. Go ahead and listen. You can obviously tell it is me saying, "What is thy bidding my master?" How can you tell? Because it is the coolest voice you have ever heard!

I'm pretty sure that 99% of your males who heard it just said "Dang I want to be him" while 100% of your females said, "Dang I want to be with him."

Then at the 26 second mark the voice turns into this:

or perhaps this:

If I weren't so furious I might actually laugh at this pathetic attempt to discredit me.

Not only did they fail at recreating my voice, they made my stupid boss and I say some of the most ridiculous things ever. Who in their right mind would believe any of their fabrications? Within the first 40 seconds, they pretended like my boss would actually accuse me of failing.

If that old wrinkled piece of crap even dreamed about saying that to me, I would throw him down a shaft so fast that his entire skeleton would leap out of his disgusting loose fitting skin. I believe your leading medical expert, Dr. Nick Riviera, refers to this as "Bonus Eruptus".

And just to be clear, I have never or will never "fail". The only time I have ever failed is when I failed to fail. One time I was playing Sabacc with Vera. I tried to let her win... but I simply couldn't lose. Even when I try to fail I can't fail. So clearly any audio of anyone daring to say I failed is fake news.

Speaking of failing, the entire transmission is an epic fail. Look at the Emperor's lips. He clearly isn't saying any of that nonsense. Even Dennis, the Empire's IT guy, could do a better job fabricating a transmission than this.

If they were going to go to the trouble of creating this hoax, they should have at least made the Emperor say something more plausible like, "I am the stupidest man alive. I am incompetent and I have no idea what I am doing. Lord Vader has to clean up my messes 24/7. If I did't have Lord Vader the entire Empire would be lost. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and...I like to kiss my own butt."

I have to end this transmission immediately. Even if it is fake, hearing the Emperor talk about his tool so much was nearly as traumatic as having to watch this thing eat.

Images
Oooo! Oooo! Oooo! Mr. Kotter
You're good.
He said "fail".
Hug and Kiss
I wish it had starved