Image by Matt on Flickr (his caption is "You have been judged...and found tolerable!"
In my last post, I explored why we often take ourselves SO seriously. It all comes down to our need for validation, approval, and acceptance, and by extension, our fear of judgment/rejection.
All basic (and understandable) human needs.
So once we have this knowledge, what do we do about it?
As promised, I will address that question in this email.
But first (and on topic), I stumbled upon an article recently on the topic of marriage. Specifically, how unmarried people (even those in long-term partnerships) are often judged by others as being unreliable, untrustworthy, and just plain unworthy ("what's wrong with him/her if nobody is willing to commit to marrying them?").
Overall, it was a well-written article.
But one line really fired me up!
The author admitted that she did not endorse these judgments, but followed it up with this: "But I’m also a pragmatic, so I can’t help but look at what ‘is’, not just what ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ be."
Really?!
To which I responded: "If we are to conform to 'what is' as a response to the judgments of others (especially when they lack logic), how will we ever shift the paradigm?"
But obviously it's not easy to disregard the judgments of others, and in doing so, potentially forfeit our chance for acceptance.
So what's the solution?
We must give ourselves that validation—and essentially, love—we are craving.
Do this often enough, and the negative judgments of others will cease to hold so much power over us.
Yes, they may still affect us, but we'll no longer be as controlled by them.
I'll tell you what's worked for me.
It does NOT involve writing affirmations, giving myself a hug, embracing my inner child, or telling my reflection, "I love you."
Somehow, saying "I am amazing" when I feel like chewed-up dog food just rings hollow for me.
Instead, I make a list of the actual things I've accomplished in the past. Things like breaking into test prep tutoring (including math/science) with no experience, when I hadn't touched a math textbook in years. Landing Brian Tracy as my first copywriting client, again with zero experience.
Even things that don't seem like accomplishments on the surface but are, like picking myself up and moving on after humiliation, rejection, job loss, etc.
Looking back and seeing how much you've accomplished is empowering and validating.
Then, create a reason to be proud of yourself NOW.
For me, this involves spending my days engaged in fulfilling activities that contribute to my larger goals. These include activities that—I don't want to use the word "hard," as that can be a limiting belief—let's just say, involve more energy and/or brain power than passive activities or mindless busy work.
For you, this might be something else.
The point is, make yourself proud.
Don't wait for a gold star of approval from your friends/family/colleagues that may never come.
I'll give another antidote to self-seriousness (which again, comes from the desire for outer approval and a resistance to the judgment of others) in my next post.
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