If you told me a couple years ago, I'd be getting my certificate to actually teach yoga, I would've thought you were... well, not lying, but perhaps trying to fit me into a box I didn't feel at the time I belonged to.
If you had told me six months ago that after getting my instructor certificate, I would lose touch with yoga completely, I would've thought that's unlikely. That's for weaker people than I.
Ever the struggle between the ego and the exhaustion of the self that I struggle still to manage and navigate.
Come to think of it, multiple teachers warned us that the months right after completing training would be quite challenging for our yoga practice. I thought puah - that must be for people who lack ambition. And I have never identified myself as one.
And yet.
The past few months came like a kick in the shin, and then about seven more, all around the edges, tackling everything that could be toppled. I went into teaching immediately, not that it's been tremendously successful so far, but still. And suddenly, I found so much time was being taken up by yoga, but indirectly. Suddenly, there were classes to sequence, playlists to prepare, festivals to attend, studios to get in touch with, and of course, the never-ending...self-promotion.
I ended up spending hours on yoga-related matters, so that by the time a small voice piped up in the back of my head, saying "but what about practice?", I was fed up. I thought I don't have another 15 minutes to spare today, and anyway, what difference can a measly quarter of an hour make anyway?
My practice ceased, or at best became intermittent. Droplets of self-awareness here and there. I became tense, on edge, tired.
Contemplating the Mindful Monday prompt in this community earlier, I couldn't help feeling like I was drawing blanks. While I recognized in myself how badly I needed to self-atune and regroup, I thought I had no answers - how do I practice mindfulness lately?
It just feels like I'm running from one thing to another.
I'm trying to do much. Perhaps more than I've capacity for. They're things worth doing, and that I get a lot of value out of, but I am stressing out my nervous system. Rather than regulating, I often feel like I'm tiptoeing around its fringes, hoping it won't blow up again.
I must try and remember I am not the sum on the things I am doing, as much as they may align with my values and ideas.
I'm focusing now heavily on building up a daily practice again. On putting the phone away, and being on the mat. Of sitting in savasana. I haven't had this much trouble sitting still in years.
Is that keeping me mindful?
I struggle to wrap my head around the fact that you can have your mind full of shit, and still be immensely disconnected. My mind's engaged all the time. It's the primary focus, as always. So I'm trying to go back to my body, not just in yoga, but also in dance, and also in training. I try to channel attention to the different sensations inside my body throughout the day - what feels good? where does it hurt?
I don't know if that makes sense.
Mind-wise, I'm trying a mental exercise of walking the barricades. There's a difference between cutting yourself off from others and knowing where your boundaries lie. A very big difference. In one version, you're behind the wall; in the other, you're on top of the wall. I'm exploring who I am in relation to others, but without being consumed by that relationship with the other.
Being the person I wanted to be is harder than I thought.
How do I keep mindful?
Well, it pays to remember that when chaos seems unmanageable, the first thing to do is break it down into manageable portions, even if bite-sized. What's a fraction of the chaos that you can tame today?
A daily practice seems a bit like a cliche answer, I know. I was watching this video yesterday, about men's mental health,
Describing his exhaustive run of Hamlet (150 times), I heard Andrew Scott say how valuable that daily ritual became for him in navigating a turbulent period. Knowing that come rain or shine, there is one thing you simply must do - day in, day out - is very potent. Suddenly, I knew exactly what he meant.
If I can keep coming back here, maybe the chaos becomes manageable.
