This week I started taking medication for a condition that you don't normally associate with fifty-something-year-old men. During the last year, it's become clear to me as all the excuses for distraction fell away that there was something else going on that tools, techniques, spiritual work and beating myself up weren't changing. I started reading up on ADHD - my first wife was diagnosed herself in her early fifties I think and she always said "You've got it too, y'bastard" and reading medical articles together with ADHD twitter etc, I could see that many of the characteristics are things that have been with me since childhood, which seems in itself to be a good indicator that it's not just getting old and forgetful or incipient early-onset dementia.
So I got an appointment with a psychiatrist and went through the assessment. That was just before Christmas. It's taken this long for me to start on medication, not because I was twitchy about it, but because there's apparently been a big uptick in diagnoses and the nurses qualified to supervise titration (adjusting dosage to get it right) are in short supply, so I've been held in a queue (yes one of the characteristics can be impatience!)
It's early days. Today is day 6 of the first, minimum dosage. I took anti-depressants for a short while about fifteen years ago and those took two weeks to even start to make a difference. This was not like that. I've been aware that I'm on something since day 1. I'm not speeding wildly, but there are changes. And I want to write about them as they go along, rather than trying to make sense later. I think I'm going to feel differently again in a couple of days when I double my dosage. One thing I feel ready to do again is to blog, so here I am.