Has any of you been in a relationship where you feel like the other half has control over you? This can happen in friendship, in relationship with some of your family members, or with your loved one. I think this set-up can be born in worklife also. Of course all of you have been under your parents control when you were children, but that is kind of inevitable part of growing up.

About the power

The form of control can be direct and conscious manipulation, or indirect controlling of others that happens somewhat naturally, because of the personalities both of them taking part have. These configurations of power can form unwittingly (and I think they usually do), when the other half in the relationship -whom I now call "the Soft one", is compliant and eager to please others, and the other -"the Strong one", enjoys maintaining power or control in general. It might be that the use of power is one of Strong ones defense mechanisms, which is used as a protection from dealing with difficult and unpleasant feelings. When the Strong one is in a relationship with the Soft one, this mechanism turns out to be destructive and can cause tension, where another one feels the need to be extremely vigilant all the time, and the other one is indirectly kind of allowed to say or do whatever, since their used to being understood and accepted no matter what.

What it feels like being the underdog

In conflict situations this can be very challenging set-up, ecpecially for the one who is under the control and in a way wants to please or understand another one, but at the same time wants to be heard and respected. The Soft one probably doesn't know what to do and feels like the underdog in such a power race. The Soft one can feel oneself feeble, when the Strong one, who holds the power, ends up crushing them by neglecting their feelings, while he/she is probably just trying to protect oneself.

How does the other half feel then?

Building a barrier around them might be a natural instinct for them. A barrier, which is impossible to break, or through which others cant 'see. From behind which it is easy to throw "bombs" towards others. The barrier makes them feel unreachable and safe. Maybe those unpleasant comments that they say, are a way to vent their anxiety, and are justified by the assumption, that other people have walls of their own to turn down strikes too. They could also be justified by the thought, that the other one has actually insulted them first and should take a look at the mirror and realize that it's actually their own fault.

The Problem: communication block

Even though the Soft one (or any other person) doesn't know what he/she has done and can't read another ones mind they are expected to do it. If it's for example their emotions (which they can't choose and aren't willing to hide) that are the reason for resentment, one should read between the lines and understand they started it. The message can be hard, or impossible to interpret through the barrier the Strong one has. Soft ones own emotions and distress can also distract thinking and make the interpretation even harder. Understanding each other would require open communication, listening skills and the ability to express ones feelings out loud from both sides. The Strong one in this case can easily feel that they are being blamed for doing something wrong, since the Soft one is so eager to share their feelings and explain what things made them feel like that. Even if the purpose of the conversation was to understand each other more, the Soft one may express things the way that the other one feels like they are being blamed for everything. Consequently the other side refuses to take the fault and escapes behind the barrier which means that the communication is blocked.

How to understand each other better?

This outburst might make you think that I am going through some crisis and that I'm for sure identifying as a Soft one. The first isn't true, but the latter is. I tried to express my thoughts the way that I wouldn't sound arrogant or judge the ones who identify themselves as the Strong ones. It's just so hard to describe -or more like guess other peoples feelings and agendas. At the same time it's hell of a lot easier to describe my own. The purpose of this speculation (or the names I gave to these personas) IS NOT to point fingers towards anyone, or criticize which type of personal qualities are better or more valuable. Both of these roles and everything in between are humane, and our personas, abilities and ways of acting evolve through life and all the experiences we go through. It would actually be a gift, to learn to understand the Strong ones -who enjoy power and being in control of things, as well as have the ability to protect themselves, better. I would also like to know what a Soft one like me, could do better in conflict situations, so that I wouldn't express my feelings so that the other one feels the need to hide because of being blamed for things and my emotions. And what if it's the normal reaction for the other one to instantly curl up behind their wall before I even realize -is there anything I can do to prevent this? I do believe, that hiding my emotions is not the solution. It's impossible to be genuinely happy if you have to fake or hide something or please others all the time. How to avoid standoffs, where the other one has the upper hand and the power isn't divided equally between both sides? What to do when the other one withholds their real emotions and refuses to discuss things, when another one feels the need to solve them? One stays safely quiet behind their wall, when another one explains and cries for understanding, while at the same time trying to understand the others point of view as well. All this for nothing because the other one is already insulted and has curled up behind the barrier, not willing to discuss and also knows that this silence hurts even more and is a great backlash. Both of them feel hurt and frustrated for sure. This is an endless circle from where it's difficult to jump off and reach more constructive approach on things.

Is it even possible to reach mutual understanding?

Im not sure if it's even possible to end up in a situation, where both of them could be understood thoroughly. The Soft one should be able to express their emotions without being accused of blaming the other one. Ones sensitiveness shouldn't be misused by relaying on that he/she will be able to read every single sign or emotion the other one sends, and that he/she automatically knows how act in a proper manner according to that. At the same time the Strong one shouldn't feel like he/she is being blamed for every emotion the other one has. One should be able to feel comfortable enough to show their true emotions and at the same time it should be equally okay to choose not to show them. They shouldn't feel the need to control the other one as their defense or build barriers.

After all...

Does any of this make sense? Sorry for all the "others, anothers & ones" which might have made the text slightly heavy to read. I'm not sure if even I kept on with my thoughts, so I'm not surprised if you dropped out. Anyway, it's a very personal topic; I have experienced these feelings and been in such power set-ups in my own relationships, as well as listened to my closest friends going through these problems (if that's what you can call them). I tried to explain how I feel about things, and how I think the other (controlling) person in the relationship might feel. I also admit, that most of the time I have no clue what the other one thinks and feels and would like to understand them better. So enlighten me please!